How Can I Support my Partner (who I Betrayed) so She Can Enjoy Life Again?

Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

In Episode 241, Mark & Steve respond to a porn/sex addict in recovery who is facing an extremely difficult situation with his betrayed partner. Here's what he submitted through the PBSE contact form—

Hey, my wife is one of the .01% of wives who expects me to be absolutely perfect. I don’t know what to do? I’ve been focusing on being serene. Learning from every mistake I make. I’m 16 ish months sober. And in full recovery. Each step of the way, I’m reminded how I’m a screw up. That the score will never be even because I betrayed her, I took away her dreams, and because I’m an addict, I will never be the man she wants. Ever. That she is staying with me solely because she doesn’t want to miss time with our young son. Who we both love. She says I trapped her and she can’t leave and that she plans to stay until our son turns 18. Then leave and find a better man and have a new family. That her life is on pause until then. That I deserve to burn in hell for what I’ve done. I validate her pain. I do make mistakes and objectify her every so often and imply that I do find her “sexy” and I recognize my reasons of how my head got there and I work on those defects. I’m able to work through my shame in these moments and stay present and hear her pain. I just am at a loss of how to support her further. I feel I’m at loss and I’m committed to her. She is my only option and I love her. I never want to go back to life without recovery. I love my life and love the healing I’ve accomplished. I just don’t know how to help support her to get here as well so she can enjoy life again.

In this episode, Mark & Steve address this difficult and delicate situation:

• SO much empathy for the betrayed partner and for the addict in recovery!
• Where is the place of “empowerment” for both partners? Without this, they will just stay STUCK!
• There is NO timetable or checklist for a partner bearing the heavy burden of betrayal trauma! Where is she AUTHENTICALLY? Is it what he describes or something different?
• Is he TRULY practicing leading out; leaning in; being proactive; making amends; rebuilding trust, etc.?
• Is she tapping into her own support system; following a path of true healing, etc?
• This coupleship must seek for DIALOGUE and AUTHENTICITY! Each person in the relationship needs to do their individual work to truly determine what is ACTUALLY their authentic voice and what is coming from the "Unholy Triad"—Pride, Shame and Trauma—for the addict in recovery and for the partner in healing.
• After doing the ongoing work to determine TRUE AUTHENTICITY . . . THEN each can decide how to proceed forward—What is each individual’s VISION for the relationship? What is the willingness for and level of COMPATIBILITY?
• For the Partner:
  • Are you open to change on his part? If not, why? What is preventing this? Is that resistance AUTHENTIC, or something else? If so, what would that need to look like for it to resonate with you? If it does, are you open to change or growth in the relationship?What would that need to look like? If he is unwilling or unable to authentically make those changes, what is your “next right thing”?
• For the Addict:
  • Will this (your partner's vision) work for you? Is this compatible with the life (and vision) you are choosing to live? If not, what would need to change in order for it to be? If she is unwilling or unable to authentically make those changes, what is your "next right thing"

For a full transcript/article of this podcast, go to:
https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/how-can-i-support-my-partner-who-i-betrayed-so-she-can-enjoy-life-again