Is it My Responsibility to Make My Porn Addicted Partner Feel Comfortable so He Will Consistently Tell Me the Truth?

Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

In Episode 244, Mark & Steve address the betrayed partner of a porn/sex addict who submitted the following to PBSE—
As a partner of an addict, what can I do to help my partner feel more supported during his recovery, so that he may feel more comfortable telling me the truth??? Time and time again, I have caught him in lies or omissions and it’s eating away at the trust in our relationship. Most recently, we engaged in physical intimacy and I could tell IMMEDIATELY that he had been looking at porn that day. I can’t explain it- I just knew. I felt used, like my body was simply a means to an end for him, like a masturbation device. So I asked my partner if he’d been hiding anything from me, and he came clean that he did in fact have some slips over the weekend. I have since made it clear, respectfully, that I do not wish to engage in intercourse while information about his sexual proclivities is being withheld from me. The main issue here is that during previous conversations, he has agreed to PROACTIVELY come to me when these slips happen so that I don’t have to play detective anymore… but he has never followed through with that agreement, and he continues to wait around until I ask the perfect question. After this incident, my partner told me that he doesn’t feel like he can come to me because I get really quiet when he talks about his slips and therefore I do not make him feel supported enough. If you have any suggestions or words of wisdom to share, I would greatly appreciate it so much.

For Her:

• Take the time to truly explore your feelings, wants, and needs, and then come up with boundaries and attached consequences for each.
• Vulnerably share these with your partner, in whatever way is safest.
• Ensure that you are practicing healthy communication skills:
  • When feeling anger or anger-related feelings (which are absolutely legitimate), be sure to express this in a way that also communicates the vulnerable primary emotions under the anger.
  • Avoid toxicity in your dialogue (name-calling, sarcasm, mind-reading, etc.) and stay true to what is "authentic" to you.
  • As safety allows, be very proactive in your expression of needs, as well as your thoughts and feelings. Hold FIRM boundaries and their accompanying consequences/outcomes.
  • Recognize that you can’t “make” anyone continue to feel or not feel anything. They choose which feelings to focus on and remain in.
  • SURRENDER THE REST. IT'S ON HIM.

For Him: An addict in sincere recovery will be making progressive efforts to:

• Practice true account-ability
  • At a BASELINE, this means telling the WHOLE truth at ALL costs!
  • Doing the hard work to not just share lapses/relapses, but to discover:
    • What led up to the lapse/relapse
    • What broke down on his end
    • What specific changes will he make in future encounters with triggers
• Sit in “Uncomfortable Places”
  • Why are you responding the way you do your partner's reactions?
  • How are you response-able for your actions & your responses?
  • In what ways are you growing in your capacity to practice uncomfortable ownership and account-ability?
• As Addicts, WE CAUSED THIS. We may not be responsible for all of the circumstances that got us here in totality, but we ARE AND ALWAYS WILL BE responsible for how we handle, show up for, and address "today."

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/is-it-my-responsibility-to-make-my-porn-addicted-partner-feel-comfortable-so-he-will-consistently-te