10in10 Dianne Simboro: Don’t Confuse New Love and Early Stages of Abuse!

Steps To Sobriety

Stairway to heaven or highway to hell?

Dianne Simboro is a Master Coach, Trainer, Behavioural Profiler and Hypnotherapist. She established Family Violence Mindset Solutions and How to Thrive After Family Violence to teach survivors of family violence strategies to fast-track their recovery process and how to recognise the strategies of perpetrators of violence.
Dianne had an interracial marriage and started out in a small West African country where she didn’t speak the language, didn’t understand the culture and stood out in a crowd. But in just 12 months she created a successful but small Art Business starting from scratch, all while being pregnant with her first daughter.
After an abusive marriage that lasted 27 years and another 10 years spent working with survivors of family violence, Dianne found that once women were able to recognise the strategies used by their abusers, they had the tools needed to eliminate all of the hooks that were once used as a means of control over them and they could avoid getting caught again. But it became very clear to Dianne that new love and the early stages of abuse are almost identical and it was necessary to help women clearly distinguish the difference between the two.

Step 1. The woman is looking for love. She looks at only one person at a time. The abuser is looking for his next victim
Step 2. The woman is on her best behavior. She's wanting to show that she regards what she regards as her best qualities in order to impress him. The abuser also is on his best behavior.
Step 3. She wants to find out more about him, she wants to love someone. The abuser is wanting to find out more about her because he's fascinated with his prey.
Step 4. The woman has a tick box of desirable qualities in the man. Someone who is maybe caring, kind, generous, financially, independent and protective of her. At this point, she trusts what he's telling her. She has no reason not to trust in the earliest stages of a new relationship.
Step 5. She is assessing his character. She's comparing him to her past failed relationships to see if there are any red flags that she needs to look for. The abuser has realized that he is being assessed. He knows what to avoid, to show that he's different to her previous relationships because he's already asked her is calculating and measured in his behaviour he's fascinated with his prey.
Step 6. The woman shares about her life because he seems to be fascinated by her more than other men that she's met before she easily shares her skills, talents, hobbies, and interests. He claims that he is a victim of a b@#$% and or he's the victim of an abusive and painful childhood. This begins to explain any adverse behaviour and is an early stage of conditioning.
Step 7. She hopes for commitment but is willing to settle for connection at first. Her abuser rushes to commitment. It's a whirlwind affair and that's another red flag. He secures the relationship quickly.
Step 8. The woman is waiting for the heart to say, this is the one. The head is not as important at this stage. In the new relationship, she is willing to overlook minor issues because she believes love can overcome pretty much everything. The abuser, his head is switched on at all times. He wants a people pleaser because they are easier to control.
Step 9. "If you love me, you will __________." She considers it natural to have to make some compromises, and he will stay. This honeymoon period will only last as long as necessary change will happen.
Step 10. He pretends to share her interests to become the centre of her world, all the while subtly pushing other important people out of her life. He is able to push her buttons if she hesitates and the abuser will do everything to retain control of his newly conditioned victim.