Feelings That Kill You

Seriouslyourself

Transcript: Episode 2, Feelings that Kill You
Hi there, come on in. This is Seriouslyourself, The Podcast, and I'm Ingrid Helander. Thanks for being here. So today I thought it would be fun to talk about something I heard on a podcast the other day. It was a podcast called We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle and her sister (whose name I am completely blanking on. I'll have to look that up for you later.) Anyway, in the podcast she was mentioning how when she was getting sober, she had this sensation that her feelings were going to kill her, that they were actually going to be just too much for her. And it felt deathly to her...so, so dangerous. And I've heard her say this before, and I think when I've heard it, I thought, Yeah, I can imagine how people could feel that way when they're, say, maybe having a major panic attack or have had some devastating news, you know? And the feelings are so overwhelming that it's like: This is going to kill me. And if you've ever had tragedy in your life, or if you do have trauma where you have panic attacks, you can relate to that, right?
But the other morning I got in the car, and I realized I was carrying some very, very familiar anxiety. A really strong, strong feeling in my chest mostly, but also my throat and across my shoulders. And I thought to myself, This! This is the feeling that at least some parts of me imagine could kill me. And why do I know that? Well, I know that because it's pretty clear in my history that that is the feeling I most want to eradicate. I really want to get rid of that pain, that pressure, that sensation like this low pulling negativity. I used to call it "the rock in my chest" or "the fist in my chest" and it's really uncomfortable. And yet, it is kind of a part of me, and I've worked very hard and use many techniques, (many of which I will share with you here) that helped immensely really. In some ways. If we look at it from the other side of that statement, I thought this feeling was going to kill me. The ways that I work with these parts of me, I would say have saved my life.
So getting back to that, I thought this feeling was going to kill me. Even if you haven't had the massive feeling that you were pretty sure in that moment, "this is going to kill me. I can't stand it," I want you to take a look at the small feelings, those ones that ride along with you all day that have maybe been with parts of you for most of your life... much of your life. Let's take a look at those today.
Many of my clients would come in and they would say, "You know, I just wake up feeling really nervous about what I'm going to do, how to make choices about my life, what people think of me, how I look act". And many others would come in and they would say, "You know, I cannot get to sleep or stay asleep at night. I'm just overthinking everything. My head goes round and round and round and my thoughts don't leave me alone. And I really hate that feeling." My goal is so often for us to be able to take a minute, (might take more than a minute, if I'm honest), but it shouldn't take too long to just step back from that, from the thinking that goes along with the sensation. I think Glennon put it so well, when she said, you know, the thinking was: This is going to kill me.
Yeah, that's if you have a feeling, and then you get a thought that says, "this is going to kill me" - then you're going to get another feeling pretty quickly, aren't you? And that is, "Yikes! Oh no! This will kill me! This is going to kill me!" And that feels terrible too. So then we build on that. We create this cycle of anxiety that happens between the feeling and the thought between the sensation and the imagination.
So if you can take a minute right now, take a minute and just notice if you have any of those tiny little maybe chronic-type feelings that sit with you and create discomfort. They could be characterized as anxiety, worry, fear, negativity, depressive symptoms, moody.
Okay. Got it? Just take one and take a breath into that feeling. What it's like from a curious standpoint when we have that feeling? Now, right away, you might notice you also have a part that says, "I can't get anywhere near that. It's too scary. Might hurt me. Might take over." Or - "I hate it or I wish it would go away!" And I would imagine you agree with that. And that's a fine thing. Go ahead and let the part of you that says "I can't stand that feeling." - Let that part of you know: Of course you can't! It's not comfortable. It's not fun. And then asked that part if it would step aside knowing full well that you agree and you want to be helpful. Because I'll guarantee it is that part, that part that says "I hate the sensation. I'm afraid of the feeling. I want it gone."
That part is complicating the situation even though it's trying to help you. Does that seem clear? Can you see how that could complicate things inside? Make them feel more frightening, more depressing, more anxiety-producing, even more? Ah. So just take that deep breath and see what it's like to be with this little anxious, this bit of uncomfortable, this moody depth of you - with a little more compassion.
You can get curious about how long it's been there. How long has this part been riding around for me? That part had been riding around in my chest most of my life. And you know, if you're going to carry something around with you, I think it's wise to find ways - true ways, not fakey - but true ways to love and accept it, to help it to come into a state of being that is not carrying pain, not caring fear - not alone inside your system.
You see, when we hate on those feelings, and we get so afraid that, say, like in Glennon Doyle's case, she would actually um drink them away or drug them away. And many people do, sometimes we run them away, eat them away, sex them away, shop them away, but ultimately that leaves us feeling less whole. It leaves us feeling like we can't trust this being that we are. And frankly, there are gifts within the very parts of us that actually feel afraid sometimes, or down, or frustrated, or worried. So if you can take a minute today, just take a second to breathe and notice: I don't have to solely rely on my old ways. And the old ways said, you know, "Cancel this feeling. Get rid of it. Get it out of here." I don't have to rely on that now. Instead I can get curious about it, I can write down everything it says and thinks. I can help it. I'm here.
The more you can be here. The more you can be within [you] in a way that is kind and reasonable and really connected to these parts of you, the more you're going to find that you're showing up in the outside world.
Maybe you were supposed to have this little bit of moodiness, this little frustration, this anxiety, this worry. Maybe that's okay. Maybe it just got a little distorted through the years and the generations. Maybe it isn't trying to hurt you. Maybe there are strengths within it. I can think of so many strengths that come from moodiness. Let's imagine that for a minute, what are some strengths that could come from a state of being moody? We might say that there is this strength of - (if we don't create too many stories about it), the strength is that we have the ability to deeply feel. We have the ability to deeply emote. We have the ability to hold and share others' pain, sometimes to lament. The poet Rilke talks about lament and the beauty and the gift in that.
So, today imagine that nothing inside you is trying to kill you, and that with a little tiny practice and some gentle curiosity, you can actually help it. So, you can be more holy yourself, more fully You. More authentic. Hey, let me know how this is for you. I hope it helps. I know it's helped me.
Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives.
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And thanks to those who make Seriouslyourself special: our wonderful music is Midsummer from the album Flood by the fabulous Joel Helander. Seriouslyourself is produced by Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, Executive Producer. The ideas and inspirations come from beautiful humans like you, that I feel lucky to know. And I'm Ingrid Helander. Take good care of yourself. See you next time.