RESPONSIBILITY - Focusing on What Really Matters in Conflict

Secrets of a Conflict Coach

When we’re seeing the conflict through the filter of our emotions, we attack the relationship instead of the problem.

We ask ourselves “WHO made me feel this way?” instead of “WHAT is making me feel this way?” or "WHY am I feeling this way?"

That’s why emotions are such a huge part of our individual perception of a conflict, BUT you have to be able to recognize that everyone’s individual perception is based on their own emotional reality.

When we START WITH our emotions as the foundation of our reasoning and problem solving, the rest of our resolution process is doomed, because all of a sudden we’re trying to fix feelings, instead of fix a relationship.

When we do that, it adds more emotional tension to the conflict because we cannot cry, yell, ignore, or force another person into understanding our emotional reasoning. They’re set up to fail, because they will either try to understand it logically or emotionally.

If they try to understand it logically, they can’t, because you’re reasoning emotionally.

But if they try to understand it emotionally, they still probably won’t get it because their emotional reasoning is based in their own perception of the conflict, not yours.

What we really want is just for them to handle the situation in a way that makes sense to us. In a way that makes us feel comfortable. In a way that makes us feel supported, not attacked.

We have to recognize that even though it’s what we crave as humans, being fully and completely understood is not the only type of resolution.

Even healthy conflict can still be uncomfortable and confusing, and damaging/destructive conflicts will still happen, you’ll still feel misunderstood sometimes, even when you’re doing everything you can! Because conflicts are inevitable.

And what is conflict? It’s misalignment. Something is off. That doesn’t mean it’s doomed. It doesn’t even have to mean it’s damaged. But something is misaligned.

Of course, sometimes, we live with a little misalignment here and there… and even a little damage, we can repair that pretty easily.

But if that little misalignment isn’t ever recognized, acknowledged, addressed, resolved… it will only get worse and more painful. And the more painful it gets: the more our emotions begin clouding our logic, and that gets confusing very quickly.

And then all of a sudden, something happens that should feel small but suddenly it feels more like a seismic shift, or a landmine to what we thought was reality. These are the moments when the jolt of unpredictability makes our emotion take over, and those take overs are the moments that significantly damage our relationships.

These moments, these burned bridges, these destroyed relationships, are the reason we as a society have got to start retraining our instinctual reactions to conflict. We have to get out of those damaging habits and replace them with constructive reactions that allow us to maintain peace and predictability in our relationships. We have to start making a habit out of fighting off our initial destructive reactions and recentering—focusing on the misalignment and how to get the relationship back on track. We have to start learning how to define our emotions and assign meaning to them, without jumping straight to fault and blame.

When we jump to fault or start assigning blame, we immediately derail the resolution process and significantly increase the chances of relationship damage. But I know it’s important to hold people accountable for their actions, and I know it’s important that people recognize when they’ve hurt you. So when you find yourself arguing about fault, or blaming someone before you’ve even discussed the real issues that caused the conflict… switch the conversation from fault to responsibility.

Whose responsibility is it to maintain this relationship?

Whose responsibility is it to resolve conflict in the relationship?

What are your normal responsibilities in the relationship, and did you violate them?

What are their normal responsibilities in the relationship, and did they violate them?

If expectations were violated, is everyone aware? On the same page about it?

When you switch the mindset from “whose fault is this?” To “whose responsibility is this?” It becomes less about blame and more about connection, boundaries, and healthy accountability.