Daring To Set Boundaries

ME + MOTHERHOOD with Benita Bensch

Do you ever feel like a doormat? You spend all day pouring out love, time and energy into meeting everyone else’s needs and by the end of the day, you feel like you’ve been walked all over.
Your needs go unnoticed. Your needs don’t matter. It’s no wonder so many of us struggle with feelings of resentment and anger. A lot of the time, it all comes down to a matter of boundaries.
For many women, boundaries is an uncomfortable topic but it’s also a really important one. A huge breakthrough for me in this area was learning that it's not just okay, but vitally important for my well-being to meet my own needs by putting boundaries in place.
Boundaries are lines we draw to protect ourselves and our children, ensuring our physical, emotional, and mental safety. They are meant to protect your time, energy, and what you give away and you are worthy of them. Your worth is inherent and you don't need to prove your worth to anyone. A boundary ensures your needs are met because unmet needs can have serious ramifications.
Physical and Emotional Boundaries
There are physical boundaries we can put in place, but there are also emotional ones that protect us. If you feel like you’re getting beyond your window of tolerance, setting a boundary will help you feel safe and regulate your nervous system.
Your boundaries don’t require anyone’s sign-off. Other people may not understand and it may even challenge them, but you can't take care of someone else's feelings while setting your boundaries.
People-Pleasing and Perfectionism
It can feel uncomfortable to set boundaries, especially for people pleasers or perfectionists. Brene Brown says, "Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others." The point of a boundary is to take care of yourself.
Boundaries require practice; they are not walls and they can change. It's about deepening your awareness of what feels good in the moment and continually reevaluating.
Boundaries with your partner: Let’s say your partner wants to discuss business right when you're about to go to bed. You’re tired and not in the right frame of mind. A good boundary could be, "Darling, I know this is important, but can we discuss it in the morning when I'm more alert?"
Boundaries with your children: Kids love to push boundaries and it’s your prerogative to keep those boundaries firm or to be flexible. Whether you choose to stay firm on your boundaries, or go against them, make this a conscious choice.
Boundaries for personal time: Simple things like going to the toilet or taking a shower in peace can be crucial boundaries. Your personal space is important and setting clear boundaries will not only help you, but also model this to your children too.
Start noticing as you go about your day what you need and when you start to feel pushed beyond your limits. Understanding these sensations will help you recognise when a boundary is necessary.

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