176: How to begin healing shame with A.J. Bond

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Do you ever feel ashamed? Many people find it among their most physical emotions, resulting in a big knot of tension or a hot flush that washes over their whole body. But what is shame, and where does it come from?

I recently read a LOT of academic papers and books, and also popular books about shame, and the most helpful resource I found among all of the ones I read was written by my guest today, A.J. Bond. A.J. is a wrier and a filmmaker who experienced a shame-related breakthrough in his own therapy several years ago, and who subsequently became certified as a Healing Shame Practitioner through the Center for Healing Shame in Berkeley.

We discuss, among other things:

• The origins of shame all the way back in our childhoods
• What kinds of shame really are helpful in our lives
• How to heal from toxic shame so we don't pass it on to our own children

AJ's book: Discomfortable: What is shame and how can we break its hold? (Affiliate link)

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Taming Your Triggers

As you're listening to this episode you may well hear the connections between the things you feel ashamed of and your triggered responses to your child's behavior. That's not a coincidence! When we were little we used to advocate for our needs as well (which is what our child is doing), and we were shamed by our parents or caregivers for doing it. And now when our child does that same thing, all those old shame reactions - which had seemed like they were under control! - come raging right back up to the surface.

Want to go beyond keeping a lid on your triggers to actually healing, and learning new tools to parent in line with your values even in the difficult moments? Taming Your Triggers will help! Join the waitlist to be notified when doors reopen.

Jump to highlights (02:05) How AJ Bond get started on understanding what shame is (05:12) What is shame? (07:15) Different versions of shame for different people (08:10) Shame is like an alarm system (10:39) The breaking of the interpersonal bridge (15:48) What does good repair look like (18:45) The rupture and repair make the relationship stronger (25:41) The cultural evolution aspect and how we evolved to be around the same pretty small group of people for a lot of the time (26:58) Shame will often feel like it’s connected to survival (31:09) Are there common reactions that people have when they're feeling when they're experiencing shame? (34:18) The concept of healthy shame (37:19) The 123 Punch of Shame (47:03) How our unconscious values show up in the context of our conscious and chosen values References Arnink, C.L. (2020). A quantitative evaluation of Shame Resilience Theory. Inquiries Journal 12(11), 1-11.

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Bond, A.J. (2022). Discomfortable: What is shame and how can we break its hold? Berkeley: North Atlantic.

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