S3 Ep11 Tempted to Freak

The Holy F*ck Podcast

Have you ever been tempted to do something you’ll really regret? Yet secretly hoping someone will save you from yourself?

Which one of the gals is in trouble NOW! HELP! I need somebody, HELP! TGSS is in session!!!

1:21- Hello, Repeat Pattern my old friend. Lather, rinse repeat. KK trying to not repeat the pattern with Mr. RHRN when he “ghosts” or goes too long between texts. KK gets all murdery.

But hasn’t just yet. In her body waiting to come out.

Episode with the party ___________

3:03 RHRN is out of town, spending a lot of time together since Shut Down. Feels good + safe, always reconnect time at night. Only 4 nights they haven’t been together, KK figures out it’s because she has her little freak outs.

4:39- Feels separate, abandoned. The silence brings a story to the surface- “I’m not important enough.” 5:49- got all cute and vulnerable in a text and then… crickets. Nothing all night or in the morning. The Genie was released from the bottle.

6.24- Here’s the story… phone’s in his hand or nearby, he can talk to his friend but not me…

One way or another he “steps away” and instead of thinking he’s busy, it’s the deep story having to do with value, abandonment...which one is it for KK

7.36- Now 2-3 days later and still nada. In his mind, he’s not even thinking about it, just enjoying his space, coming back hot + juicy for each other. KK needs little check-ins.

8:30- Oh, who’s got his time, his attention.

9:12- Did you make an agreement ahead of time to let him know what you needed? KK well, very soft agreement. 9:56- Jokingly before he left, “Oh, you need me to check in with you a lot while I’m gone.” kind of gave KK the impression that he got it and now it just feels purposeful and intentional.

11:09- You don’t care enough about me to pay attention. Many of us women have this and the men in our lives get the other side. Could he be getting a psychic message through the ethers?

11:53- LIGHT BULB MOMENT- He sort of likes it when she gets a little mad at him. HIs need for tension to create drama and have a sexy coming back together? She’s not the only one in this dance, he knows it’s a button.

12.57- KM reminds KK that this pattern has been with RS, and probably other people in her life. OH MAN! Belief established long ago. When we get triggered- FFFF

What’s KK's response? Ima fuckin kill you. FIGHT. KK recalls her dad and how he didn’t check in and when he did it felt fake. 14.48- Too upset to talk to him and wouldn’t talk to him as a punishment. Still has this same pattern with her dad but not the charge anymore. Pattern anyone?

15.46- but what if RHRN likes the punishment? That’s a whole other episode.

17.03- What does KK need to do so she doesn’t claw RHRN’s eyes out when he’s back?

Breathe. Take a break.

18.11- Little seed is still there, though she’s healing the reactivity with her dad. Inner- pay attn to little wounded one and her story.

So far so good… do you think she steps off the cliff?

19.44- reparenting the part of us that’s hurting. That little girl is important and valuable, way more important than a one second text. Story isn’t true. (Feels!) KK understands and loves her very much.

20.54- not let the little frantic inner one take over, she doesn’t have to punish anyone. There’s another way to handle the situation. Little One felt like she had to yell really loud or go really silent for someone to notice she’s hurting. 21.41- KK not willing to do regular things to reach out, Little One is running the story so much. Dancing harder on stage to see how good she is. KK doesn’t want to have to dance. Show up without having to beg/ask for it. 22.54 Feel like she’s put first. Begging feels gross. 23.28 KK Like asking someone to give you a birthday present without them doing it on their own. KA- Ah, but that’s not where I went so maybe that’s another touchstone for KK to pay attention to.

23.52- Gals pre-podcast and weren’t getting anywhere with solutions so they decided to do it IRL with you. 24.21- cyclical with menstrual cycle when she wants to be nurtured.

25.12- crushing neediness- 25 days so into you and those other days actually repelled. KK expresses need by pulling/pressuring- she thinks to ask for it or when she’s mentioned it before/asked for what she needs but they’ve stayed away. In Big Kid relationships we don’t just ask for what we want and get it…

27.00- choice point- pattern happening, communicating it but not getting what you need. You need to take action on your own behalf so you don’t jump, to invite them to get closer? Will she text right now? 28.33- Needs to do her healing work first before he responds, already operating. Clear neediness, expectations, any other gunk.

29.29- KA- how to communicate when it’s been a couple days and energy is still building. Make space for a partner to have life outside of you to have dignity in his process. 30.42- ask for what you really want when creating an (future) agreement. 31.10- deal conversation- respected for who you both are- KK doesn’t have to give up that she needs more contact just because it’s not easy for him and RHRN doesn’t have to give up that he’s going to remember just because it’s what KK wants.

31.49- Side comments are shaky, twisty, little traps- not agreements.

32.11- a friend brought up a cultural difference how “lying” is treated and that played into all of her fears. Rabbit Hole. 33.10- Power is found in the responsibility you have in the creation of a story. Buy into the misbelief.

33.31- People we love will fulfill what we need because they love us or we’ll make a new decision if they’re not capable. Needs to be room for both people to get what they need, may not look exactly like what she wants. KK- whatever, still not there. Feels like they’ve had this conversation enough times for him to really know what she needs.

34.46- KK feels if she can’t do this over a week, no way she can do this long term. (He’s probably moving out of the country in 2-3 months).

35.55- Try on a different idea- what if this nonchalant agreement sets it up for this pattern to keep happening? If she got really clear about her needs being as important as his and her responsibility to give herself what she needs, would she be willing to create a set of agreements that they create together?

36.18- Even the word “remind” brings up a story. KK- I shouldn’t have to remind someone I’m alive. 37.05- KM- Loving ourselves enough to ask for EXACTLY what we need so we don’t end up in these lack situations inside of us. Building expectations when we don’t firm up agreements.

37.39- KK- Fear in making an agreement he will say yes but not fulfill it. So how can she support herself? KM- If this person can’t show up and give you what you need, what is he actually telling you? KK- He doesn’t care enough.

39.10- when you make a strong agreement and the other can see how important it is, really understands it, they can respond in a way that surprises us.

39.58- KK Doesn’t feel like he’s constitutionally capable to check in, he wants to disappear/be off the grid. Not about getting an agreement but about the work she needs to do to change the story.

41.31- Face the truth of him (maybe) not being her person or what does he need to show up for her in this way? We THINK we know the answer but we just don’t.

42.37- hypothetical convo-

KK “I don’t know how this is going to happen but I need this level of contact with you.

RHRN “I don’t know how I’m going to do that?

KK- “Well, what do you need? “

RHRN- (Blow jobs) JK.

43.44- Byron Katie- Don’t pretend to be further along than you are. Be who you are today.

We will see!

44.12- The only thing KK is committing to is to text him after the show and not have it be hate filled. Authentically tell him what’s going on, after she’s done some healing work to soften the energy. Doing it differently already! Getting ahead of the drama.

We’ll see what happens, less cleanup?

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