52: Let's Talk about Communicating

Love How Deep Marriage

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Episode 52: Let's Talk About Communication

Welcome to another episode of the Love How Deep Marriage Podcast with Brian and Heather Mayer! In this episode, the hosts tackle one of the most critical aspects of marriage—communication. While many issues can arise in a relationship, communication is often the underlying factor, making it vital to address this "big C" in an honest and constructive manner. Join Brian and Heather as they dive into ways couples can enhance their communication, connect on a deeper level, and create a healthy space for dialogue.

The Power of Communication in Marriage

Brian and Heather start by discussing how the number one challenge many couples face is communication. Often when they ask couples about their biggest struggles, communication consistently tops the list. Whether it's sharing emotions or discussing difficult topics, good communication is the foundation of a strong, healthy marriage. To help listeners improve their communication, Brian and Heather decided to make this episode a little different by utilizing conversation cards designed for couples. These cards feature thought-provoking questions meant to facilitate meaningful discussions.

The goal is to answer questions and explore different communication styles on the fly, without planning their responses, making the conversation authentic and relatable. Heather emphasizes that these unscripted interactions reflect how real couples approach various issues in their marriages.

Sharing Feelings with Your Partner

One of the first questions they discuss is how to share feelings with your partner effectively. Heather explains that if the feelings are strong or bring up negative emotions, it's crucial to be mindful of how to approach these conversations. Instead of jumping straight into criticism, it’s better to use "I feel" statements. For example, if she's upset about clutter in the house, rather than saying, "You messed up the house again," she would say, "I feel overwhelmed when I come home and the house is cluttered, and I can't relax." This approach focuses on how the situation makes her feel rather than directly blaming Brian, which can prevent defensive reactions.

Brian nods in agreement and adds that using "I feel" statements is one of the best ways to express negative feelings constructively. Heather also emphasizes that sharing positive feelings or preferences is much easier, but it’s equally important to communicate those too. A well-rounded communication style involves discussing both the good and the challenging aspects of marriage.

Distractions and Listening

Next, Brian and Heather discuss what makes one partner feel like the other isn't listening. Brian identifies the phone as a frequent culprit. He acknowledges that being glued to a phone can make it difficult to engage in meaningful conversations. However, he also points out that communication is a two-way street—if Heather tries to discuss something serious while he's focused on his phone, it’s helpful if she can indicate that she needs his attention.

Heather adds that it's important to preface conversations by asking for attention: for instance, saying, "Could you put your phone down for a second? I have something important to talk about." This allows the other partner to be fully present rather than feeling ambushed. Brian and Heather agree that small changes like these can make a significant difference in communication and help avoid unnecessary conflicts.

Addressing Hurtful Remarks

Brian and Heather also touch on how to handle situations where a partner says something hurtful. Brian admits that, in some marriages, there can be a tendency to get used to emotional hurt and avoid addressing it. However, Heather stresses that it’s important to bring up these feelings—particularly when someone says something that feels belittling or unkind. If left unspoken, these moments of hurt can accumulate and lead to resentment.

Heather advises that in those moments, it’s best to speak up immediately. If Brian were to say something that made her feel put down, she would try to say, "That really hurts my heart, and it makes me feel X, Y, and Z." It’s crucial to confront the issue directly but with empathy, so that the other person understands how their words affected you. Both Brian and Heather agree that avoiding confrontation only makes things worse in the long run.

The Challenge of Sharing Negative Emotions

One of the challenges many couples face is the difficulty of sharing negative emotions. Brian reflects on how some people struggle to express their emotions because of how they were raised. For instance, a child who was often told to "toughen up" or "not make a scene" may grow up believing that sharing negative feelings is unproductive or will be dismissed. As a result, they might avoid sharing their true emotions with their partner.

Brian encourages listeners to break that cycle by being vulnerable, even if it’s just a little at a time. Heather adds that it’s important to set the stage for success by asking for empathy: "If I’m sharing something that’s hard for me, I’ll ask Brian to go easy on me because it’s not something I’m comfortable doing." In a loving relationship, both partners need to show empathy and understanding to create a safe space for sharing.

Addressing Problems and Avoiding the "Rug"

Another important topic in this episode is how couples handle problems that arise in their relationship. Heather admits that in her first marriage, everything was "swept under the rug," which only made the issues fester. Problems left unaddressed can become like a "cancer in your soul," ultimately damaging the relationship beyond repair.

With Brian, Heather emphasizes the importance of communicating openly about problems. It doesn't mean they always get it right, but they make a conscious effort to face their issues head-on rather than ignoring them. Both hosts encourage listeners not to ignore the problems in their marriages but to confront them in a way that leads to healthy dialogue and resolution.

Timing Is Key

A theme that comes up repeatedly in the episode is the importance of timing in communication. Heather and Brian stress that when it comes to difficult topics, the timing of the conversation can significantly impact how it unfolds. Trying to discuss a sensitive issue when the other person is distracted or stressed will likely lead to a negative outcome. Instead, finding a good time when both partners are in the right frame of mind can help ensure a more productive discussion.

Be Willing to Compromise

Heather and Brian also highlight the importance of compromise. Effective communication isn’t just about expressing feelings—it’s also about listening to your partner’s needs and finding a solution that works for both of you. Heather gives the example of wanting a clutter-free space when she comes home. While it might not always be realistic for Brian to keep everything spotless, they can compromise on maintaining specific areas clutter-free. This way, Heather gets the peace she needs, and Brian feels less pressure.

Moving Forward with Empathy

The episode wraps up with a reminder that empathy is the cornerstone of effective communication. Whether it’s putting the phone down, listening without interrupting, or simply validating each other’s feelings, showing empathy allows couples to grow closer. Both Brian and Heather reiterate that no marriage is perfect, but being intentional about how you communicate can make all the difference. It’s not about having it all figured out—it's about being willing to learn and grow together.

Final Thoughts

Brian and Heather encourage listeners to be honest about their communication struggles and work on them one step at a time. They acknowledge that every couple has their challenges, but by using strategies like "I feel" statements, choosing the right time for discussions, and being empathetic, couples can build healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

Listeners are also reminded to check out communication cards if they need some inspiration for conversations. Whether you’re newly married or have been together for years, there’s always room for growth, and sometimes all it takes is a simple question to spark a meaningful dialogue.

Tune in next time for more insights on building a lasting, loving marriage with God’s guidance!