How to Know When to Come Out, Who to Come Out to First, and How to Come Out (with Candice Czubernat)

Lesbi-Honest: Candid Convos With Later-in-Life Lesbians

💡 Guest bio

Candice's story is one of self-discovery and resilience. Growing up in a Christian environment, she grappled with her own identity and struggled with depression and anxiety. It wasn't until she reached college that she realized she was gay, a realization that completely caught her off guard. This revelation propelled her to want to help others in similar situations, leading her to pursue a career as a therapist. Drawing upon her own experiences, Candice is determined to provide support and guidance to individuals who may be facing similar challenges. She understands the pain of feeling conflicted and aims to help others accept and embrace their authentic selves.

ℹ️ Introduction

Welcome back to another episode of Lesbi-Honest, the podcast where we dive into the stories and experiences of individuals who have overcome challenges, found self-acceptance, and built fulfilling lives. I'm your host, Sarah, and today we have a special guest joining us. Please welcome Candice Zuberty, a therapist and founder of The Christian Closet, dedicated to providing LGBTQ affirming counseling, coaching, and spiritual direction.

In today's episode, Candice opens up about her personal journey into counseling, the launch of The Christian Closet, and her own discovery and acceptance of her homosexuality. We'll explore the complexities of coming out later in life, the intricacies of navigating non-affirming families, and the importance of finding a supportive community.

Sarah and Candice discuss the difference between being tolerated, accepted, and affirmed, especially in the context of churches that claim to welcome everyone. They shed light on the potential impacts of internalizing homophobia and how seeking therapy from an LGBTQ+ affirming clinician can be transformative.

Throughout this candid conversation, you'll hear stories of resilience, love, and healing. We'll also explore practical advice for those who may be struggling with their own identities or facing challenges within their families and communities.

Join us as we listen to Candice's insights, personal experiences, and the valuable lessons she's learned along the way. So grab a cup of tea, find a cozy spot, and get ready for another inspiring episode of Lesbi-Honest.

📚 Timestamped overview

00:00:42 Intersecting story, self-acceptance, and painful struggle.

00:06:42 Bible college friends, disagreement, reconciliation, acceptance.

00:08:57 Mom feared hell, dad's heart attack. Burdened secrecy, painful distancing. Relief in death desired.

00:13:23 Build a supportive team, find independence, be brave.

00:17:01 Fear of being discovered on podcast.

00:20:10 Supporting LGBTQ+ individuals navigating relationships, spirituality, and self-acceptance.

00:21:20 Rediscovering and healing spiritual path to God.

00:27:05 Seeking counseling for religious affirmation and acceptance.

00:27:56 Important distinction: Tolerate vs Celebrate LGBTQ+ individuals.

❇️ Key topics and bullets

Primary Topic: Introduction and Background

- Introduction to the podcast episode and the guest, Candice Czubernat

- Curiosity about the difference between being welcoming or accepting versus affirming in the context of churches

Primary Topic: Candice's Journey and The Christian Closet

- Candice's journey into counseling and the launch of The Christian Closet

- Her personal experience in discovering her own gayness

- The focus of The Christian Closet on helping individuals heal from spiritual abuse and trauma, and coming out to non-affirming families

- The prevalence of individuals coming out later in life due to growing up in a Christian context

Primary Topic: Personal Experiences and Relationships

- Candice's personal experiences with being in the closet and hiding her true self

- The importance of finding safe spaces and supportive people in one's life

- Candice's relationship with her best friend in Bible college and their simultaneous discoveries of their gayness

- Initial negative reaction from the friend and a year of no communication, followed by a change of heart and a loving relationship

- The friend's eventual coming out as well

Primary Topic: Family Dynamics and Coming Out

- Candice's mother's strongly negative reaction to her coming out, motivated by concerns about her spiritual well-being

- Her mother asking them not to tell her father about her sexuality

- Her decision to keep her sexuality a secret from her father for five years

- The tension and distance caused between her and her mother due to the secrecy

- Her relief at the prospect of her father passing away to fully be themselves

Primary Topic: Building a Support System and Coming Out

- The importance of surrounding oneself with supportive people who celebrate and cheer them on

- Suggestions for building a support system, such as making new friends, joining support groups, or finding a therapist

- Advice for individuals who are financially dependent on their family or living with them to find alternative means of providing for themselves

- Encouragement to come out in whatever way feels easiest, as any way of coming out is brave

Primary Topic: The Christian Closet's Work and LGBTQ+ Inclusivity

- Candice's work with individuals in same-sex or queer relationships, helping them navigate love and communication

- Support provided to individuals raised in conservative versions of Christianity, struggling with spirituality

- The importance of addressing LGBTQ+ identity issues in therapy and seeking support from LGBTQ+ clinicians

- Therapeutic work focusing on healing spiritual selves and building a connection with inner spirit for healing

Primary Topic: Self-Acceptance and Coming Out Later in Life

- Candice's personal journey of self-acceptance and realization that everyone had been wrong about her

- The belief in God's love and blessing for queer individuals

- The launch of The Christian Closet to provide support and help those who may not need to suffer

- Challenges and difficulties of coming out later in life and comparing oneself to peers

Primary Topic: Negative Impact of Being in the Closet

- Discussion of the energy and anxiety drain associated with being in the closet

- Personal experiences of fear and anxiety when photos were taken while closeted

- The constant vigilance and energy required to hide one's true identity

- Understanding and compassion for those who choose to remain closeted, particularly with family

Primary Topic: The Transformative Experience of Coming Out

- Candice's comparison of the fear before coming out to a potential death or falling off a cliff

- The belief that facing and moving through this fear can lead to transformative experiences in other areas of life

- Her gradual process of coming out to different individuals in her life

- The positive shift in acceptance from her family after a key family member fully accepted her

- Celebration of her engagement and wedding, attended by the entire family and still talked about

Primary Topic: Wrapping up and Final Thoughts

- Recap of the topics covered and highlights from the podcast episode

- Final thoughts on self-acceptance, finding support, and the importance of celebrating and affirming LGBTQ+ identities

- Encouragement for listeners to seek support and connect with their inner spirit for healing and self-discovery

- Closing remarks and thank-yous to the guest and the listeners

❓ Questions

1. How does the Candice's experience of being in the closet and hiding her true self resonate with your own experiences or those of people you know?

2. In what ways do you see her journey towards self-acceptance and coming out as a transformative experience?

3. How do you think her experience of being in a Christian context affected her struggle to accept her sexuality?

4. Can you relate to her conflicted feelings about her relationship with God? How do you think spirituality and sexuality intersect in your own life?

5. What are some of the challenges that individuals who come out later in life face, particularly when comparing themselves to peers who have already achieved certain milestones?

6. How do you think being in the closet impacts one's mental and emotional well-being? Can you share any personal experiences or observations?

7. Do you agree that being tolerated is different from being accepted and affirmed? What are some examples of the differences between the two?

8. How can therapy or counseling help individuals on their journey towards self-acceptance and understanding their spiritual beliefs, especially when it comes to exploring their LGBTQ+ identity?

9. Can you think of any strategies or resources that could support individuals who are financially dependent on non-affirming families or living with them, but seeking to assert their true selves?

10. How does Candice's story of coming out and gaining acceptance from her family and loved ones inspire you to be more open and authentic in your own life?

Resources

TheChristianCloset.com

AffirmingTherapy.org

LesbiHonest.show

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