Mastering the Power of Agreements Part 2

Life by Design

Hosts Jessilyn and Brian Persson dive into Part 2 of their examination of agreements in this episode. Last episode they addressed what agreements are, why they’re needed, and how they work. In this episode they get deeper into agreements by discussing what default agreements are, what happens when an agreement is broken, and why agreements should be reviewed regularly. As always, Jessilyn and Brian lead with examples from their own life experiences.

Default agreements are firstly defined as agreements that come about without discussion and are not intentional. They form out of default actions done by one or both partners. Jessilyn and Brian explain why the assumptions behind default agreements can lead to frustration and broken communication. They explain how agreements can be made about any topic in which there is contention or possible miscommunication. Intentional agreements made following their Discover Define Design framework let each person in the relationship explain themselves and their wishes. Agreements, however, do not caretake themselves. Jessilyn and Brian share how to fix a broken agreement and why ongoing revisions are necessary.

—

Contact Jessilyn and Brian Persson | Discover Life By Design:

• Website: DiscoverLifeByDesign.ca
• Instagram: DiscoverLifeByDesign
• Facebook: Discover Life By Design
• Linkedin: Discover Life By Design

—

Transcript

Jessilyn Persson: [00:00:09] Welcome to the Life By Design podcast with your hosts Jessilyn and Brian Persson. We work with professional couples to help resolve conflict and elevate communication within their relationship.

Brian Persson: [00:00:20] We are the creators of the Discover Define Design framework, which supports you in resolving conflict and communicating better.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:00:28] Our topic this week is Agreements Part two. If you recall last podcast we discussed what are agreements, why do we need them, and how do they work? This week we're going to cover what are default agreements, what happens when you break an agreement, and why should you review agreements on a recurring basis? So Brian, what are default agreements?

Brian Persson: [00:00:50] Default agreements. They're a danger. That's what they are for your relationship.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:00:55] Yes.

Brian Persson: [00:00:56] Basically a default agreement is something where you haven't openly discussed it and actually intentionally chosen that to be your agreement within the relationship. It has happened by default. So whether it's through some irritation that you've created an agreement within your relationship or whether it's through just actions that were going on in your relationship, like for us driving. By default, I drive the highway driving and by default you drive the city driving.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:01:30] Sometimes it's also assumptions from the other partner, right? Like I assumed you knew when the garbage was overflowing and you just take it out.

Brian Persson: [00:01:39] Yeah.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:01:39] And that default did not work.

Brian Persson: [00:01:41] Yeah. The default agreement was that I was to empty the garbage.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:01:45] Yes, but you did not.

Brian Persson: [00:01:47] No. But the the parameters, because it was a default agreement, because there was really no discussion around it, there was really no parameters around how that garbage should be emptied, i.e. like how full it should be. It really was relatively undiscussed. And so it became non-intentional and instead a default.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:02:10] Yeah. So we need to reflect on what agreements might have unintentionally entered your relationship. And I'm going to tell you right now, to our listeners, you have a lot of them because we did. And I'm sure if we dug extra deep, we might still have a couple that we haven't... It's obviously working because we're not complaining about it, but we've had so many where we've had to come together and just make it a formal agreement, if you will, that you and I both understood and agreed to in terms of what it was going to be, who was responsible, how it was going to work.

Brian Persson: [00:02:45] Yeah. You'll always have default agreements in your relationship. It just, it's really a question of like, how much energy do you want to put into finding those default agreements and making them intentional? And it's like anything in life, you know, do you want to put energy towards your business? Do you want to put energy towards your kids? Well, whatever energy you put towards that thing is obviously going to improve.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:03:11] So we have, you know, default agreements used to be like I would do almost all the cooking. And it was because I'm very particular in what I like to eat. And it's not that you can't cook, it's just that, I mean, aside from being slightly picky, I also enjoy cooking, right? It's something I just grew up doing. If we're being real honest here, it was my way to get out of doing the farm chores and cleaning the barn, so I became a really good cook.

Brian Persson: [00:03:38] Yeah, there's some history there. Yeah.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:03:40] But I do enjoy cooking, but not always, right? There are times where I'm like, I just don't want to decide what's for dinner or, you know, once I got pregnant, the pregnancies were a little hard on some of my joints. And so my, you know, my right wrist doesn't work like it used to. And so it just became frustrating for me to do some of that prep work with chopping up the food. And so this is where I enlisted your support. And now our agreement is that you're my sous chef.

Brian Persson: [00:04:09] I'm the sous chef. Yeah.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:04:10] And then I cook, right?

Brian Persson: [00:04:12] Yeah. But think about how that agreement came in to place. So years it took us to figure out like what, like why that agreement was even the default agreement and really what the reason it became a default agreement from the beginning, obviously your very far past history of trying to get out of the farm work. But in our history, when we knew each other, the reason it became a default agreement was because I was tired of trying to find food that you would enjoy.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:04:46] Right.

Brian Persson: [00:04:46] And so I was like, you know, what? The heck with this. This is not worth my energy to try and cook for you when you're not going to enjoy anything that I cook. Not a bad cook, it's just a matter of pickiness. So by default you just took over the cooking.

Jessilyn Persso...