Season 1 Outtakes

Casting Lots: A Survival Cannibalism Podcast

Have a laugh on us this April Fool’s! Alix and Carmella present the Season 1 Outtakes from Casting Lots: A Survival Cannibalism Podcast.

CREDITS

Written, hosted and produced by Alix Penn and Carmella Lowkis.

Theme music by Daniel Wackett. Find him on Twitter @ds_wack and Soundcloud as Daniel Wackett.

Logo by Riley. Find her on Twitter and Instagram @tallestfriend.

Casting Lots is part of the Morbid Audio Podcast Network. Network sting by Mikaela Moody. Find her on Bandcamp as mikaelamoody1.

TRANSCRIPT

Alix: Welcome to this bonus episode of Casting Lots and I won’t lie, it’s one that I personally have been looking forward to a lot because you are going to get to hear our various outtakes are–from recording. It’s suitable that I fucked that up.

[Both Laugh]

Carmella: We made a lot of mistakes but we had a lot of fun doing it.

A: Content warning for swearing.

[Carmella giggles]

C: And for the sound of angle-grinding Do-dum-do dee-dee-dee. That’s our theme tune.

A: Is that our theme tune?

C: That was me, doing our theme tune. Okay.

[Intro music – Daniel Wackett]

C: Is it Casting Lots Podcast or Casting Lots: A Survival Cannibalism Podcast?

A: Yeah, let’s get the name right.

C: Okay.

[Alix makes a noise of indecision.]

C: We don’t know

A: I don’t know why I did a ‘eugh?’ noise.

[Carmella makes nibbling noises.]

A: Oh, that doesn’t, oh-

C: Not a good audio experience?

A: I mean we could start a cannibalism ASMR channel?

[Alix makes aggressive eating noises]

C: Oh.

…

C: I don’t know enough about herpes.

A: We are a dogs and sexual health podcast.

…

A: You can head over to our morbid audio network, companion. Fuck!

…

A: I can’t, I can’t take it seriously.

C: That’s okay. That’s our- I think after we disgraced ourselves with the last ones…

A: Three days.

[Both laugh]

C: I think that we’ve set, we’ve set a precedent for um-

A: We have.

C: For irreverence.

…

C: Make sure you listen to us next- is it next week or are we doing it fortnightly? Oh, motherfucker.

[Sound of angle-grinding in background]

A: We got so close before the angle-grinder came back. [Sigh]

[More angle-grinding]

C: How long does it take to angle-grind something? That’s not like- That’s not like rhetorical, that’s how, how long does it take to angle-grind something. What are we looking at here?

A: How long is a piece of string?

…

A: Have you said A, B and 3?

C: I don’t know, did I?

A: I can’t remember.

C: I think because I said vitamin C, Vitamin A. You’re thinking…?

A: That might be it.

[Carmella laughs]

…

A: I need to straighten my legs because I can’t feel my foot.

C: I need to- I’ve lost mine too.

[Both laugh]

A: Okay, I’m gonna go like that. [Rustling noise]

C: Oh, oh!

A: Oh, I know. Risqué, risqué.

C: Oh wait, I’ve got pins and needles. That wasn’t- shouldn’t have stood on that.

A: This is professional recording. [Creaking noises.] Yep, nope. Something stopped.

C: Oh?

A: Oh, oh. [Bump] Is that me?

C: So is it just your headphones?

A: Yeah, it was my headphones.

C: Yeah, the recording’s still going.

A: Yeah, that’s cool. Okay. Behind the scenes at Casting Lots. Okay.

…

C: Look, my work mates aren’t even excited about this, they just think it’s weird. So.

[Alix laughs]

…

A: Obviously, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say we’re going to assume that the earth isn’t flat. Because if the earth was flat, these people will be finding a hell of a lot more. Like the edge.

C: Yeah. And as they didn’t I think probably, we can- Maybe that’s what happened to the Franklin expedition?

[Dramatic gasp]

C: Oh, um. So-

A: I like that. I like that theory.

C: So- I bet, I bet there were some people who have genuinely tried to argue that.

A: Yeah. Carry on. I’m just gonna Google it. [Pause] Sorry. There is in fact, an- forum for the Flat Earth Society about the mystery of the lost Franklin Expedition.

C: There we go, I knew there would be.

…

A: And supplement-

C: Yeah.

A: The Vitamin C with penguin anti-scurvy… stuff.

C: Yeah, he can’t-

A: The technical term for fat!

C: Anti-scorbitant.

A: Yeah.

C: Is that the word?

A: I mean, it sounds better than anti-scurvy stuff.

C: Anti-scurvy.

…

C: Strangely.

A: I know, I wish my stomach would stop rumbling during this recording. It’s so inappropriate.

…

A: For a deed or an activity that has been performed in outstanding professional manner or with- let’s try that like I can read.

C: [Laughs] Where are you gonna start from Alix?

A: I can’t read, it’s all gone.

C: Where you gonna start from?

…

A: You have theologic- thea- theologi- thea- fulalala- Philosophers, religious philosophers. I’ve got a theology degree, you know? Well, I’ve got a theology piece of paper. Erm.

…

A: Fire at sea greatly feared, blah, blah, blah, cut cut cut, meh. Meh.

…

C: He probably felt the death and the cannibalism might be a bit depressing to the survivors.

A: I hope you’re enjoying this podcast!

[Carmella laughs]

…

A: There’s- there’s a lot of incestuous rescue attempts going on in the ice.

C: You can’t bring incest into every single episode, Alix.

A: I can, and I will.

…

A: So what alternative is that then…?

C: Cannibalism!

A: Whoooo! We are so appropriate.

…

A: After 16 days, Captain Gorman proposes that lots should be drawn.

C: Name drop! Ah no. ‘Drawn?’ That’s not our name!

[Alix and Carmella laugh]

A: We might rephrase that.

…

A: Mawson built the pyramids.

…

A: Cannibalis- [bursts out laughing]

…

A: We can edit that in somewhere because it’s important?

C: Hmmhmm.

…

A: I’m now just getting comfy [creaking] You’re gonna tell me a story!

C: Yeah.

…

C: Yeah, it’s the Bourbons I was doubting my French history there for a sec.

A: We know Les Mis.

C: Yeah!

…

C: In the reantime- Um, in the in the meantime.

A: I will take advantage of that [drink bottle opening] to have a drink.

C: God, we’re not even halfway done with the story. We’ve not even got the cannibalism yet.

A: Oh dear. There’s a slight problem with the amount of caffeinated that I’ve been drinking. But it’ll be fine.

C: Is this too long? I can edit bits down.

A: I think it will be blahblahblah- Well all of this shit can go! Push comes to shove, we just have really long episodes.

C: Yeah.

A: Our audience would love to hear three hour extravaganzas about cannibalism!

…

C: But off they go.

A: Couldn’t they have taken a mule?

C: I don- I- th

A: They’re all out. The mules-

C: They’re fresh out.

A: The mules have headed off. No mules here mate.

…

A: I didn’t think this was making it through to the raw draft don’t worry!

…

C: I thought you were overcome with emotion for a moment.

A: Oh gosh.

C: Not him!

A: Not cannibalism! I can’t. I’m going to faint.

…

A: I’ll do it in that upbeat style like a poem, a poetry reading, a poetry slam?

C: No, no, please no. Anything but that.

A: Okay.

…

A: Allegedly, two of the sailors who were put to death and consumed had not- Fuck. God, I swear so much. I blame the fact I’ve been listening to the Remaniacs podcast, they just swear all the time. Which… fair.

[Weak sound stamp click]

A: That was shit.

[Click]

A: Eugh. Okay.

…

C: I think it was one of the Muses, maybe but don’t quote me on that.

A: You’re literally being recorded.

[Laughs]

C: Okay, right. Well.

A: Well that’s it, podcast over.

C: Nope. Friendship ended. I’m sorry, but-

…

C: Alix, would you like to hear the tale of the Mignonette?

A: Ehhh, I’m not feeling it. [Laughs]

C: Well you didn’t get a choice!

A: Okay, okay!

…

C: I’m not good with how, how much is a-? How much is that? I’m not-

A: It’s like 100 grams of flour. Erm, that’s useful.

C: Oh, it’s like two eggs.

A: Two eggs, two eggs worth of bread.

C: I know that from baking.

A: How do you know that?

C: From baking. Two medium- yeah, two medium eggs. Eggs about 50 grams.

A: Okay…. There’s a barking dog the distance which I could hear through the microphone.

C: Yes, I heard it.

A: Okay, we’re back in the room.

C: Sorry, I’m googling the weight of an egg. [Laughs] I wanted to check I’m correct. No, you continue.

…

C: [In a whisper] How much is an ounce? [Normal volume] Oh, I know how much an ounce is because an egg is about two ounces.

A: We have had this discussion on record before.

C: With the eggs?

A: With the eggs. [Laughs]

C: Please continue. Look, I am a fool I don’t know anything about weights.

A: You know a lot about eggs.

C: I know a lot about eggs.

A: Okay.

…

A: And when she set sail in 1874- oh my God, is that when this is? Yeah.

…

C: You can do survival cannibalism, by murder cannibalizing someone.

…

C: Yeah.

A: Creaking noise.

C: Yeah.

A: I need to stop making hand gestures to indicate the direction of ships. It’s not helpful.

…

C: I’m sorry, I love the idea of someone being like “I’ve got to check show notes to find that out! Oh man, I need those figures.”

A: People might care!

…

A: [Muffled] Ahoy! Ahoy!

C: By the sixth of Ju- [Alix laughing]

…

[Alix coughing]

A:I thought that might make it slightly easier to edit it out.

[Coughing]

A: The consumption.

C: Oh no!

A: Okay okay okay, back in- Back on the trail.

…

A: [Muffled] Oh no, help me, help me, oh nooooo, just a poor lady.

…

A: I’m a professional podcaster, my headphones are not falling off…

…

C: The Medusa is like the origin of the like, the metaphor of a shipwreck for disaster.

A: Oh dear.

[Bump]

A: That was a really good clunk of my tea in my Casting Lots mug, being put down right next to the record. There we go. It’s called a microphone, not a ‘record’.

C: The record! So this is the record!

A: The record.

C: And this is the listen.

A: The listen. And this is?.

C: I don’t know what he is.

A: Oh, he he he- He’s the device

C: The device!

A: Yeah. Okay.

…

A: What is he even angle-grinding?

[Angle-grinding noises.]

C: I don’t, I don’t know. It’s just something small and-

A: We are now an angle-grinding podcast.

C: [Giggles]. Live updates from angle-grinder watch club!

[Angle-grinding continues]

…

A: On the 21st of November with no water in sight- why have I? That’s a stupid thing to say.

C: With no drinkable water in sight maybe?

A: Makes more sense. I might just not say it, I’ve said there’s no water.

…

A: Four hundred and seventeeeeeeeeeeeeee- that’s a good question.

…

C: Who am I to decide the gender of a tortoise?

…

A: It’s just so natural!

C: We’re so good, we’re so good at this podcasting.

A: Yes.

C: Talk into the microphone, okay.

A: Plug the microphone in.

C: Plug the laptop in.

A: We’re professionals.

…

C: They stop at Madeira, they round the west coast of Africa.

A: I wonder if they picked up any wine? Reference to an older episode.

C: You know-

A: We’ve recorded all of them so close together I can’t remember which episode it was. Was it the Medusa?

C: Yeah, yeah it was the Medusa. I’m getting confused.

A: I wonder if they picked up some wine like the crew of the Medusa did?

C: It is a similar route actually. They stop at Madeira, I guess?

…

A: And in the end, the- cast? The cast? What is this, a musical?

C: Yes!

…

A: Oh god. Okay. Okay that’s – God, I’ve got to edit this.

…

A: The sce- the fuck, what’s our podcast called? [Laughs]

C: What are we doing here?

A: Who are you?

…

A: Which is sensible. He’s the ski-man!

C: Yep, he is the ski-man and he’s zipping along. He’d be, he’d be fine without those sledges, he’d be [zipping noises] he’d be there! [Laughs] I’m sorry I don’t know why I had to-

A: The action helps.

C: Yeah.

C: Just imagine us skiing.

C: Yeah.

…

C: Oh, [claps] I love a good musical number!

A: Stop clapping!

C: Sorry!

…

C: They’ve got two… nope.

A: They’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts.

…

C: Our second Bills and Boon novel. I’m sure we won’t get a lawsuit against us by Mills and Boon if we publish under that name,

A: Of course not.

C: Of course not.

…

A: Agu? Agona- Ageonarea?

C: It sounds like an STD!

…

A: It’s also worth not- That that is definitely my catch phrase. ‘It’s also worth noting.’ Erm, and now I have to say it, I’ve got nothing else I can go with.

…

A: I need to stop breathing through my nose like that’s an acceptable reaction for a podcast. Like [breathes through nose like a bull] No! Okay.

…

A: A nice meal of bloody duck- no, is it duck or tortoise? I’m getting confused now.

C: This one’s turtle.

A: A nice meal of bloody turtle and rad- radish?

C: Turnip.

A: Shoot me. Turnips. A nice- a nice, I can’t- it’s not even that good a joke. A nice… what’s the point? What is the point?

C: No come on, I want to hear the joke.

A: It’s not even a joke! Okay. A nic turtle… yes, right turtle and turnip?

C: Yeah, turtle and turnip.

A: A nice turtle and turnip bloodiod- my God! Oh dear. Okay, okay. A nic- [Alix laughs] It’s not that- It’s not worth it, it’s not worth it. Right, we’re doing it.

…

A: Alfred Dutton, who was the ship’s butcher, had placed half a ship’s carcass in the boat, but this had been thrown overboard during the evacuation.

C: Half a what carcass?

A: Sheep.

C: You said ship.

A: Ship!

C: Half a ship’s carcass.

A: Half a ship’s carcass.

…

A: Let’s go to Nantucket. It’s- [Alix snorts]

C: Sorry, I was putting on my Nantucket hat.

[Alix laughs]

…

C: Erm-

A: [Muffled] Help me, I’m just a lady-woman. [Normal] That was me. That was me. I’m just, I’m just a poor woman. I can’t be expected to know these things.

[Carmella laughs]

A: I can’t even read. Or vote.

[Laughs]

…

C: I’m sorry- my brain immediately went to cracking open a cold one with the boys. And that is-

A: Oh. Inappropriate!

C: Dont, don’t put that in the podcast, that’s just what like my brain supplied me with.

A: Well that’s going in the outtakes.

C: Oh dear, please continue.

A: Okay, I’ll do that again. [Creaks].

…

A: They clung to the bones so desperately that when on the 23rd of February, they were happened- a, blah bleeh. They clu-

…

A: And twenty fivid- twenty feeeh.

…

C: Okay, that’s fortunate for them.

A: Yeah, it’s not gonna stay fortunate for them. Um, now-

C: I assume not, given the topic of this podcast!

…

[Angle-grinding noise]

C: He’s still going! He’s still going!

A: It is day 349 and the angle-grinding is still grinding.

C: He’s always on that grind.

A: He just keeps grinding

C: Come on, I have like one sentence to do man.

[Angle-grinding]

C: …Well and then the whole of Jamestown.

…

C: It’s Titanic but with fire- No, there’s fire on the Titanic. [Quietly] Ah, sirens.

A: The Fact Police are on to me!

[Carmella laughs]

…

A: The ex-quine- I didn’t say that before did I? I said U-quine.

C: You said Ewe-Queen actually.

A: Ewe-Queen.

…

C: They have to split themselves up between the Breens and the Reeds. Um, no, they are the Reeds. They have to split them ourselves up between the Breens and-

A: They have to split themselves up among the remaining families.

C: Among the remaining families. Thank you.

…

A: [An accent] Vat are you doing down zere?

C: [Also in an accent] Get out ov-

A: In ze vater?

C: That was German!

A: That was German. [Laughs] They’re lost!

…

A:, But they make it out of harbor on the 12th of August 19- No they don’t!

…

A: After a week of sinc- blah blah blah.

…

A: The great 19th century knees up, we’re having a whale of a time- eyyy! We’ve just recorded the Essex. Good whale joke there. Okay.

…

C: These are real people stuck in a boat.

A: Yeah.

C: That didn’t sound respectful-

A: Three men in a boat.

C: That was meant to be respectful – it didn’t sound like it.

[Alix laughs]

…

A: However, the Cospatrick wasn’t the only vessel to burn at sea, resulting in cannibalism in the 174- I can’t read!

…

A: Following the Battle of Leningrad- We need to pause, I need to check some of my pronunciations.

…

C: What you can’t see is that Alix has the phonetic spellings of these written out on a tissue box and is still struggling.

A: Leave me alone. I’m ill. That’s my excuse for not being able to pronounce Russiam.

…

C: Alix, would you like to hear about the Luxborough Galley?

A: [Alix snorts] Do you wanna to try that again and I’ll pretend that I’m a human?

[Carmella laughs.]

…

C: On the 18th day.

[Creak.]

A: Sorry do you want to do that again, as I’ve moved and the entire bed creaked like a sinking ship.

…

A: Allegedly two of the sailors put to death were consumed having lost their senses. And we know that this differs with traditional survival cannibalism convention of not eating those who have gone mad.

C: Does ‘lost their senses’ necessarily mean gone mad or could it just mean- Are no longer sensible? They can’t move or speak.

A: They tend to mean it in the have drunk sea water and I’m trying to take out the ship- Boat. Oh shit! I should probably take my medication. [Clunk]. Having just remembered that I should have taken that hours ago. Thank you Casting Lots for reminding me.

…

A: And then my tablet dies and I don’t have my notes.

C: Oh.

A: Aha. Okay, come on. You’ve got enough charge, right?

…

C: Rotisserie saint, hmmm?

A: Rotisserie saint.

C: Erm, that’s gives a whole new meaning to, like, going to the Tesco’s rotisserie section.

A: Just a saint going round on a spit.

…

A: Stories of famine-induced survival cannibalism often have this- I’ll put my glasses back on, that helps.

…

A: On the 20th of November 19- [clicks] Can I stop saying 19 when I mean 18?

…

C: So it takes until about noon when the cook discovers flames in the fo’c’s’le. Is that how you say it?

A: Er, which one?

C: The forecastle, the fo’c’s’le?

A: Oh just call it the forecastle. I don’t know. Why would I know anything about boats?

[Both laughing]

…

A: They have only had to eat one body. They’ve also only had to- I’m gonna go very defensive. No, I’m gonna stop. They have only had to eat one body. But what of- They’re also the only people who write their own account!

[Carmella laughs]

A: I hasten to point out! Okay, okay. But what of…? [Laughs]

C: The enthusiasm!

[Alix laughs]

…

A: Don’t you roll your eyes at me!

…

A: I’ve got popcorn downstairs. Okay.

C: That would be a great audio experience.

A: [Laughs] Oh dear.

…

[Angle-grinding.]

C: Nope, nope.

A: Throw a stone wrapped in paper at him!

C: What’s he even angle-grinding?

A: If we don’t tell him we were recording he won’t know. We’ll sneak up on him.

C: He’s stood up. I don’t think he’s finished but we might be on track.

A: Okay.

…

A: And then they’re followed by a pod of porpoises-. I’ll try that, like I can speak.

…

A: I’m not sure if it’s just because he’s called Reason Tucker. But I am just like you’re a good man, Reason Tucker. I of course might change this opinion, depending on what happens next.

…

C: In the case of cannibalism, it could be like a human had listened to the podcast and was like, “I’m gonna do that”, but-

A: Don’t do cannibalism kids.

C: Yeah, we don’t endorse it. But, a whale? I don’t buy it, I don’t buy it Meville.

…

A: And neary- neary?

…

A: Well, this was been an important planning section. I’m going to sneeze again and then carry on… Fuck’s sake. Oh dear.

[Sneeze]

A: Who needs a soundtrack? We could just auto-tune my sneezing.

…

A: Ah, see now we’re making in-jokes about things that are almost certainly being cut. It’s a, it’s- We should release like a Have I Got News For You.

C: We’re not gonna cut there!

A: Have I Got A Bit More News For You. Okay.

C: Have I Got a Bit More Cannibalism For You.

A: Aha. Okay.

…

A: We’ll provide you with the full list of recommendations.

C: Oh God, we will, won’t we?

[Alix laughs]

C: Yeah, okay, great. That’s my job.

A: Yes it is.

…

C: Ewe-quine maybe?

A: Ewe-quine. That’ll do.

[Laughs]

A: We prepare in advance for these recordings.

…

A: Oh God, I’ve got to use that sentence again.

…

A: I was gonna make a horse noise then I realized that no one needs to hear that.

…

C: You got a hold full of butter, what time of year is this?

A: 1710.

C: No, time of- like season?

A: Er, I have written it down [laughs] time of year.

C: I mean how?

A: December.

…

A: Becoming deranged from the, cu- be-cu, be- cu cah cah

…

A: One of these magazines- Oh my God, that sentence is awful. Who wrote that? I did. Jesus Christ.

C: One sec, I’m having a drink [bottle opening].

A: You have a drink. I’ll work out what on earth- what on earth is this?

[Carmella laughs]

A: Jesus, Alix

C: …Anyway.

[Laughs]

A: God, we talk shit.

…

A: We are… fuck’s sake.

[Laughs]

A: I know what I’m trying to say. It’s just not coming out. Okay.

…

C: So it’s really sudden, err, Parker the cabin boy, in fact is- is that what he is?

A: Yeah, he’s cabin boy. Yeah. Ship’s Boy. Boy.

C: The boy!

…

A: [Spluttering] No, I’ll try that with words. It’s helpful. I’ve been led to believe.

…

A: Oh god, there’s gonna be so much vore.

…

A: Okay. [Coughs] Okay. Stop saying okay, start reading the script.

…

A: They cot- cot! Kill me, kill me, kill me and eat my body.

C: I’m not that hungry-

A: She says pouring-

C: Some sauce?

A: I might-

C: I’m doing to stop this and save it, and then-

A: Get changed?

…

C: The quote-

A: Blah blah blah blah blah blah- In Search of Moby Dick.

…

A: Sorry, I drank a lot of coke very quickly.

…

A: See it just feels it inappropriate that we have so many snacks!

C: Like these, these idiots. Yeah, yeah, you do- mouldy duck, huh.

A: It’s a tortoise!

[Both laugh]

A: Okay, okay.

A: But there are bigger frish. But there are bigger fish to fry. I’ve got a lisp and that’s not a good sentence. Why did I write it?

…

A: In 1994, over 20 years after his death, Davidie Kootook was posthumorous-

C: Posthumously.

…

A: You have my biscuits and my axe, for goodness sake.

[Carmella laughs]

A: I need to stop using lines from famous pieces.

C: Pop culture references.

A: Of pop culture!

…

A: And then they all lived happily ever after.

C: Happily ever after.

…

C: And we’re back to the Forlorn Hope. Sorry, I don’t know why I put in that interjection about the Reeds. Maybe I’ll cut it. Edit that out! It’s not important; we’re not really that interested.

…

C: All the freshwater and most of the wine have been thrown overboard. [Laughs, slightly hysterically.] I’m sorry, I can’t say that with a straight face.

…

C: So they round the west coast of Africa, then they travel south-southwest across the South Atlantic. Headed for Australia, of course.

A: Yeah.

C: Yeah. I know where that is on a map.

A: Sorry, have they rounded South Africa? Cos that’s not the Atlantic anymore. That’s the Indian Ocean. If they’re going to Australia.

C: They’ve rounded-

A: The Atlantic is in between America and Africa. That is what they’ve come down.

C: They’ve gone around the west coast of Africa and then I think they cut-

A: That- That’s not- That’s not. How? I need a map.

C: This is what is said in the legal case. I don’t know anything about geography.

A: Okay, let’s get a Google map up-

C: Australia is quite big.

…

A: Oh, yeah, no. I was about to say ‘that leaves a bad taste in my mouth’. That’s… an inappropriate phrase.

…

C: Shall I do a Dickens voice?

A: Do a Dickens voice!

C: What’s a Dickens voice?

C: [posh accent] Ho ho huuh.

[Alix making posh noises]

A: [Posh] Well, my name is Charles Dickens.

C: [Posh] I know more than you.

C: Okay, so here we go-

A: [Posh] Ebenzer Scrooge. [Normal] Now we’re just Muppet Christmas Carol?

C: Kermit voice.

A: No, excuse- Gonzo.

C: I’m sorry.

A: The Great Gonzo-

C: Of course

A: Is Charles Dickens.

C: Of course.

A: Which did mean the last time I watched A Muppet’s Christmas Carol I was like, ‘Charles Dickens, famous racist’. It rather undermined the beauty of that particular film.

…

A: Sorry, Carmella doing the editing.

…

C: So we’re down to 60 people.

A: Oh my God!

C: That death count! In three days.

A: Okay, yeah.

C: 60!

…

A: They had leee-eniiniiniii. Yeah, that makes sense. And we’re done.

C: They did have that

A: They had that.

C: Yeah.

…

C: They’re assuming at this point that the Medusa or some other ship it’s-

A: She is the Medusa.

…

C: If they’ve been cooped up on a lifeboat, that’s really-

[Alix laughs.]

C: Oh, no, that’s inappropriate.

A: Respect.

C: Cut, cut that.

…

A: It’s been nine and a half hours. That’s the Essex.

C: Thank you for sharing.

A: Over-sharing. Hashtag Team Pollard.

…

C: So-

A: This is gonna be so much fun to edit!

…

A: Step away from the angle-grinder and I will get this sentence out.

C: He stepped away but he’s picking something up.

A: I just want to get the sentence out.

C: Ah, shit, he’s got a hammer.

A: Oh my God.

…

A: -Is leading a polar expedition. That’s not what I’ve written down. Aldophu-ucks sake. And with that. It’s 1881 and first Lieutenant Aldophus- Aldoff- why can’t I say his name?

C: Adolphus.

A: Adolphus. [Mutters] 1881, First Lieutenant… Oh my god.

…

C: And this is the 1720s. Is where we are. In time. Can’t make sentences like a human.

A: [Laughs] We’re having some recording issues today. Okay, okay, right.

C: Do I have to do all that again?

A: I think 1720s.

C: 1720s.

…

A: After 20 days at sea, the eleven survivors of the Francis Spaight… I swear earlier I said there were only ten?

C: They somehow- They, they picked up some more?

A: Sorry, let me just check.

…

A: Coming out stories about- [Sighs] That’s not grammatically correct.

C: The coming out stories?

A: The coming outs.

C: Yeah.

A: Mum, Dad…

C: Yeah we’re now gonna get onto the gay cannibals. Oh what, “Mum, Dad, I’m a cannibal”?

A: I’m a [unintelligable]- Well, that’s one for an outtake.

…

A: It’s difficult. We’re sitting here in the dark because the light bulb buzzes and makes the microphone go funny.

…

C: Were surveying the Arctic coat.

A: The Arctic coat?

C: The Arctic coat!

A: It’s nice and furry, it’s you know, comfortable and warm.

C: Ooh, made of polar bear.

…

A: We so nearly could have been recording on an anniversary. [Buzzing noise]

C: Yeah, there are some that are even close- [Buzzing noise]

A: Ooh something, though. Something. Some-

C: Some are even closer. I’ve got some in July and June.

A: Ah, no, something buzzed.

C: Oh.

A: Luckily, I was just talking bollocks at the time. Okay,

C: Did I put my phone too close to the microphone?

A: Yeah, I think it might have been that. Okay. Um.

C: She’s- I’ll put her on airplane mode. Right.

A: Oh yeah, that’s a good idea. [Static crackling.] It did it again. What’s making that noise?

C: Is it just, like, movement?

A: No, it’s, it’s a electronic-y noise. It’s not a wire. No, it’s not that.

C: Hmm.

A: It’s definitely a sort of [makes static noise]. Okay, well, this is fascinating for our listenership sets. Let’s let’s let’s carry on.

…

A: The French invasion of Russia in 1819… The French invasion of Russia in 1812.

…

A: But he did slate- state, blaaaaah. Ah, I talk professionally for my job.

C: You’ve been going for a while now. I think we can forgive.

A: There was a- I’m gonna reread that sentence because I didn’t read it like a human.

A: Fa-fails!

C: Fail!

A: Fail!

…

C: Sorry, no, he wrotes- He wrotes?

A: He writed he did.

C: He wrut.

A: In the ye olde way.

C: He wrote, “So great-” No not that one! [Laughs] That’s John Smith.

…

A: Ah, see, I thought a bit light hearted at the end.

C: So he goes to the library and gets out- He’s like [in a deep voice:] “Oh, Moby Dick, huh? Ah, this is a good idea!” That’s my whale voice.

A: [Whale? Noises] That was- I don’t know what that was.

C: [In the Finding Nemo whale voice:] “This is a good idea.” [Noises] Finding Nemo.

A: [Nasal voice] “Have you read this book?” [Clicking]

C: That’s a dolphin?

A: That’s the- penguin. Penguins? Dolphins.

C: Dolphins.

A: Okay, I think this can stop five minutes ago.

…

C: And on the 8th of January 1912, she reaches Adélie Land. Is that what we said? Ade-

A: How do you say the penguins?

C: Adélie. No, Ade… I don’t know.

A: They’re your favourite penguins!

C: Yeah. Adélie.

A: There we go.

C: Okay. I had to think about it.

A: We’re saying it like the penguins.

…

A: What a stupid decision.

C: It does- It does seem like a long way to go.

A: Just buy a boat in Australia!

C: But he wants his special yacht!

A: Buy a used yacht from the UK. Just buy a new one! Okay, I’m gonna cut all of this.

C: So what, we’re blaming John Want for the disaster? It’s all his fault?

A: Yeah.

C: Okay, cool.

A: So where do you want to go from? ‘Cause none of this is staying in the podcast!

…

A: Aw, okay, we’re gonna cut that bit. I’m gonna make the unanimous decision.

…

A: Oh dear-

C: Is there oil in the Arctic? ‘Cause that’ll-

A: Oh, don’t. Okay.

C: There’s whale oil.

A: There is whale oil. That’s true.

C: Not any more!

A: No, they’re doing better.

C: Okay.

A: They’re doing better. Mostly.

C: Poor whales…

A: They’re pretty big.

C: They are quite big.

…

A: What was that game you used to have on old computers? Like Minecraft-

C: Minesweeper?

A: Minesweeper.

C: ‘Minecraft’? It’s just like Minecraft!

A: I’m hip with the kids. That was- That would have been a good reference if I knew what I was talking about. Anyway. Okay, so.

…

A: Capitaliiiiiism. Don’t know why I did it like I was falling down a ravine. But hey.

…

C: Sorry, I’m at the wrong angle here, completely.

A: Don’t worry, I’ll just click this pen really annoyingly.

[Pen clicks]

C: Oh, that’s really nice.

A: Yeah, you’re not listening to it.

C: For the editing.

…

A: We went to go and see the In the Heart of the Film. In the Heart of– fucking hell.

…

C: Um, by the 24th- I can speak numbers.

…

C: To be fair, a lot of the ships end up on boats when they get wrecked. Not the ships! The people. The people on the ships end up on boats.

A: Yes. I’m just imagining a little ship bobbing about on a boat. It’s beautiful.

…

A: Irony.

C: Yeah, the cursed whale-boat coming aboard.

A: [Twilight zone theme] Please don’t sue. I just say that every time.

…

A: I was like ‘oh the microphone’s not working!’ No, you’ve only got one headphone in. That’s better.

…

A: They were greedy, and as emancipated as- Emaciated. They were not emancipated.

…

A: The breakdown that’s rela- The breakdown that is reported by various newpe- The breakdown, which is happening in Alix’s head right now.

[Carmella laughs]

…

A: The poor, emaciated boy- Congrats on not saying emancipated!

…

A: Was posthumously awarded the meritor- shit.

C: Oh, nah, nah. Meritorious?

A: Meritorious.

…

C: We won’t judge – unless you’re Eddy.

…

A: Ah, that’s a picture of! Ok, no- no. Donner Party. Donner Party; not pigeons.

…

C: It’s found that during the fighting- [Laughing] Sorry, I’ve just remembered what I’ve written.

A: We are a very respectful podcast. That are taking into account the full suffering and ordeals undertaken by these people. [Laughs]. Okay, okay. Carmella, stop laughing. This is serious.

…

A: It’s the name of one of my fish. Franklin.

C: Franklin is the father of the Graves family. Right, well let me get back to where I was.

A: The reason he’s called Franklin is because he ate the other guppies. It will be relevant later on.

…

A: I refuse, can’t do it.

C: On a tangent, I once tried to read Crime and Punishment in four hours – and succeeded. But no- literally none of it was retained at all. I used one of those online thing that, like, flashes each word at you-

A: Yeah.

C: To make you read faster. I was on, like, 800 words a minute or something.

A: So, tell me the plot of Crime and Punishment.

C: God, I don’t know. I don’t think there is a plot. He just hits some people with an axe because he feels like it; panics for a bit; goes to Siberia; and then marries his girlfriend. Yeah.

A: Sounds like the Raft of the Medusa.

C: [Laughs] Yeah.

A: I mean, there’s an axe.

C: Axes.

A: Okay. Okay. Sorry.

C: Sorry, back to this.

A: Moby Dick. Moby Dick is the definitive whaling story. Oh God- there’s a musical about it.

C: Is there?!

A: Yeah, Moby Dick: The Musical. Original title. It’s set in a girl’s boarding school, in a swimming pool.

C: Okay.

A: Why wouldn’t it be?

C: Why not? The- Like, theatrically, or that’s, like, the actual setting?

A: That’s the actual setting. It’s a- It’s sort of, think St Trinian’s.

C: Okay.

A: It’s a girl’s school that needs funding, so to get funding they put on a performance of Moby Dick: The Musical.

C: In the swimming pool?

A: In the swimming pool. And, uh- I mean, it’s got some songs. I can’t really remember too much about it. It’s got some quite nice stuff about Nantucket. [Sings a few notes] 1765. Was that even the date? I’m a professional. Yes it was.

…

A: Last session it was me who wasn’t talking into the microphone; this session it’s you. I feel better about it. God knows what we’re gonna do next time.

C: Neither of us will be in the same room as the microphone.

…

C: But, um the ones- But- Bluh.

…

A: But what can I say? He kills the monkey. He- fuck. I can’t remember enough about The Terror to make this joke work.

…

A: Gastronomic and social incest. Yay for polar cannibalism!

C: That sounds like a- You know, like a journal article title.

A: It is, and we will write it.

C: Watch this space!

…

C: And also the 13-year-old [in an American accent:] Lemuel Murphy. Also dies. That’s quite disrespectful.

A: Do you wanna try that again?

C: The 13-year-old… No.

A: [Laughs] Happy Christmas.

…

A: In an awful lot of the Anglicised tets.

C: And-

A: Texts. I can’t say that word with a lisp. Anglicised accounts.

…

A: I’m just thinking of Wikipedia. “You can help increase this section by expanding it”. Don’t do cannibalism, kids.

[Carmella laughs]

…

C: So another, um, Jay Fosdick dies. He’s one of the husbands of various daughters of various families.

A: He’s been a busy man.

C: The problem is, I haven’t written whose son-in-law he is. I’ve just written son-in-law.

…

A: Publicly reporting of the terrible privitations of the survivors.

C: Privations? Or did they get that wrong?

A: I can’t speak. What do you expect me to do, read?

C: Privations.

A: Privations.

C: Sorry.

…

C: Whilst the men were accidentally hitting each other with axes-

[Alix laughs]

C: And stabbing each other, is more the point.

A: Do you want to say that without me laughing in the middle of it?

…

A: And it was 14-year-old Davidie who provided- I’ll try that like I can speak.

[Carmella laughs]

…

A: I thought that was quite fun.

C: It’s got nothing to do with nipples?

[Both laugh]

C: That was my assumption! I guess the cold nipping at you… The ice is nipping at a ship. Maybe.

A: Yeah, it nips. So a trapped ship is nipped. So if you come across that in any records… Anyway. Anyway, moving on.

C: Off of the nipples.

A: Moving on from nipples.

…

A: I don’t think it’s that strange. Well- Okay, I’m digging myself into a hole here.

C: Alix thinks it’s normal to gift your dead body to your children.

A: I think it’s reasonable, given the circumstances, and I don’t think it’s fair or right to judge people- We donate organs. We donate blood. Happy Christmas. Do what you need to survive.

C: Yes.

…

A: Make sure to listen to us next week, as we will be doing a double bill, covering the history of cannibalism-

[Both laugh]

A: Just in general.

…

C: I’m picturing, like, a murder board, but it’s just all lice.

A: It’s very small, ‘cause, you know, they’re not bit.

C: Aww! Like a little-

…

A: I mean, I’m not gonna recommend bad scientific theory, but what is this? 1726? Yes. I listen. Um-

C: 27.

A: 27!

C: Close.

A: I tried so hard. Okay.

…

A: Because, written in Inutuk syllabacks. Sylla- Syllabics. How did I say Inutuk right, but not syllabics? [Note: Alix did not say Inuktitut right]

C: ‘Syllabacks’. I was like, is this some kind of thing that I didn’t know about?

A: Written in Inutuk sylla…

C: Syllabics.

A: Syllabics!

…

C: I mean, no matter how drunk someone is, you don’t shoot them!

A: I mean… fair.

C: I think. I think we can say that. That corporal punishment isn’t the solution to drinking.

A: Yeah. We might tweak that. Okay.

…

A: We’re certainly gonna have a lot of bloopers. So that’s what matters.

…

A: Oh, it’s pigeons on the roof. I was like, I can hear something. Okay. I’m just gonna open the window and shout at the pigeons.

C: Good idea. Let’s pause that there.

…

C: Erebus and Terror wintered in the ice in- [Sighs] The latitudes and longitudes, it’s boring, isn’t it?

[Alix laughs]

C: I don’t want to read them out! They’re quite boring. They mean nothing to me – they’re just numbers. I’ll skip them.

[Alix still laughing]

C: Well, like, do the numbers mean anything to you?

A: Well yes, of course they do!

C: Okay…

A: I know where I work!

C: Okay… I’ll-

A: That’s why I found that so amusing.

C: I’ll read them out then, for the fans of maps.

A: It’s called cartography.

…

A: They- They’re- Bleeeehhh.

…

C: [Yawns] Sorry.

A: Rude!

C: It’s not ‘cause-

A: Yawning. Fine. Fine.

C: God Alix, this is so boring.

A: There’s no cannibalism.

C: These dead bodies; ugh! Get to the eating already!

A: I thought that was very touching.

…

C: How many episodes have you said ‘incest’ in so far?

A: To be fair, my ones in the earlier Polar are just talking about incestuous situations with how everything goes through.

C: You have used the word ‘incest’, though, in a lot of episodes.

A: I have used the word incest in a lot of episodes.

C: I’m worried that people are gonna think that you’re weird in, like, a different way to just being into cannibalism.

A: I just think that gastronomic incest is such a stupid phrase that it should be used at every opportunity.

C: It is, like, peak academics naming something, something that it doesn’t need to be named.

A: Exactly. It is just nonsense.

C: Yeah.

…

A: I come from a plane that fell in the mountains.

[Angle-grinding noises]

A: Fucking angle-grinder! He didn’t say that.

C: Yeah, it was just strange how these Chilean rangers were just, like, angle-grinding everything.

A: What do they mean by angle-grinder? It’s 1970- Angle-grinders existed in 1972.

C: I expect so.

…

A: Because nine days Arthur- Arthur? Who’s Arthur?

C: Arthur!

A: Arthur!

…

C: “We’re professionals, and Scott’s showing off.”

A: That’s us with our podcast recording sessions. All those people who have studios and actually know how to set up their microphones, they’re just, you know, showy about it. Us? We’re doing the hard slog of… sometimes remembering to turn the plug on. Calling us out.

…

A: No food or water, because all the priv- No food or water, because all the provised- No ff- No food or water, because all the provis- [Sighs] No- [Sighs]

C: All of that stuff.

A: I can’t say the word!

…

C: They can’t see you.

A: Because they’re all dead.

C: I meant because it’s a podcast!

A: Yeah.

…

A: Thursday the 21st of December, 70 days after the Fairchild had crashed in the Andes, the rescue could true- Fuck’s sake. I wrote this sentence. I can’t even complain about it – I wrote it.

…

C: Chanting ‘Dickens is a racist, Dickens is a racist’.

A: [Laughs] I did say that a lot.

C: And it needs to be said.

A: It is true.

…

A: When Christ died, he gave his body so- Blah. Blehh. I went to Catholic school; this is not what they intended me to do with that information. Okay.

…

C: The problem with glaciers is that they often have crevasses. Or is it crev-ah-sses?

A: I’ve heard both. I think one might be British English, one might be American English.

C: It almost- Almost looks like crev-ah-ss.

A: The big hole in the ice. It go down.

…

A: First time pronouncing them!

C: So they may not be those names at all?

A: They are good names. In fact, a lot of the names in this are quality. That’s the main thing about this that is quality; everything else is a disaster.

C: [Laughs] “It went terribly, but they had good names, so…”

A: They had some bright side.

…

C: I’m sorry!

A: Of all of the things to corpse over. Oh, that’s an unfortunate turn of phrase.

[Both laugh]

…

C: Yes, yes. The ladies can eat human food too. Human meat. People. We’re-

[Alix laughs]

C: Let me try this again.

…

C: Where did I put it?

A: [Singing] And for just one time, I would take the Northwest Passage, to find the hand of Franklin reaching for the Beaufort Sea. Tracing one warm line through a land so wide and savage.

C: [Joining in] So wide and savage.

A: To trace the Northwest Passage to the sea.

C: I think we probably aren’t allowed to include that.

A: We’re almost certainly not. I’m just filling time while you find your quote.

C: I didn’t find it.

…

A: Uruguay is on- I was about to say on the right hand side. Uruguay is on the-

C: East?

A: East. Yes! Yep, ‘Never Eat Shredded Wheat’. Professional.

…

A: And with that, it’s 1881, and first Lieutenant. Lefftenat? Lootenant?

C: Lefftenant is English- is British.

A: He’s American. We’re British.

C: [American accent] Lootenant.

A: Lefftenant.

…

C: Again, I… how much is a pound?

A: Not a lot.

C: Okay.

…

C: Shall I do it in an American accent?

A: Yes. You haven’t done us an Australian accent.

C: Okay.

A: Or a Yorkshire accent so far; you owe us one.

C: Okay.

…

C: If you don’t know your Arctic geography, maybe look at- look at a map! We’ll put a link. We’ll put a link to- I don’t want to describe it!

A: So rude to our listeners. Look at a map!

C: We’ll put a- it’s ‘cause I have no idea where these places are either.

A: They’re up north somewhere.

C: No, exactly, they’re up in the Arctic.

A: In the ice. Okay.

…

A: Plus turns into people- You’ve actually got tears in your eyes.

[Both laughing]

A: Oh, we’re so appropriate. Okay.

…

C: And the debwi- Uh-

A: Debris?

C: And the debris therein. No.

A: Forsooth, my lord.

C: Forsooth.

…

A: US Army captain Henry. Nope. William Henry How-

C: He’s gonna be one of these names.

A: Exactly.

…

C: We had turkeys once and everyone’s like ‘don’t name animals that you intend to kill for food’. And we named them, and then when we killed them we couldn’t eat them.

A: Literally all of that was noise.

C: Yeah, no, this was more to say to you than to the- No one cares about the turkeys that we named and couldn’t eat.

A: What did you do with them?

C: Mu- My mum ate them. But-

A: Just single-handedly! How many were there?

C: Um… six.

A: Your mum ate six turkeys?

C: I think we gave some away. We gave some to Tony, who was the guy who had to kill them for us ‘cause we couldn’t do it. It- yeah. They were called Lurky, Murky- oh, there was only four. Lurky, Murky, Jerky and Perky.

A: You should have been able to eat Jerky.

C: I should have.

A: Because that’s food.

C: Jerky was my one.

A: Aww. Yeah, don’t name things.

C: Don’t name things guys, if you intend to eat them. Like these dogs. Right, sorry-

A: It got dark. It got dark quick.

C: Back to the story.

…

A: Would you like to hear about the Uruguay flight disaster? Flight 7… That’s the wrong number.

[Both laugh]

C: Oh, there’s another one, was there?

A: Well, you say that. The Fairchild – they type of plane – was actually notorious for having caused many disasters.

[Crinkling]

A: You put that crisp packet away from the microphone.

C: I’m moving! I’m moving! I’m trying to-

A: It’s inappropriate. Okay.

C: I was moving it out the way! Getting comfy.

…

A: I hate to think how long I’ve been talking for now, but very quickly, I-

C: Just under an hour.

A: This is half of the recording, because we stopped it.

C: [Moving about] Sorry.

A: Oh, my God.

C: I’m sorry! My leg’s gone numb.

A: It’s the worst thing to ever happen to anyone’s legs.

…

A: But as- [Moves] Crunch.

C: I don’t think you have to say crunch every time.

A: I have to say crunch every time.

C: Creaking.

A: Creaking. Crunch. Crunch.

…

C: Cool. Cool. I have nothing more to say about that. How are we editing these?

…

C: I- Can I just say that I love this hard science on the caloric value- Caloric? Calorific?

A: Calorific.

C: I love this. What was I saying?

…

A: In fact, one of the boys wrote a letter to his girlfriend about the act of eating the dead. And he wrote that “if the day came and I could save somebody with my body, I would gladly do it.”

C: That’s romantic.

A: I’m now gonna try that, getting the quote right.

C: Okay.

…

C: You ruin- you ruined my ending, Alix.

…

A: In their case, he believes the terminology to be used is anthro- Fuck. I can’t say this word. Um. In their case, he thinks the terminology that should be used is anthrogo-

[Carmella laughs]

A: I have this written down in so many different ways.

C: Anthropophagy.

A: Anthropophagy. In their case, he thinks the terminology that should be used is anthrodri- We’re gonna be here-

C: You want me to say it?

A: For the rest of today. [Sighs] Anthru-

C: Anthropophagy.

A: Anthropophagy.

…

A: So this is a quote from the review of Ghosts of Cape Say-bine. It’s not Say-bine! Sabine.

C: Sabine.

A: I just wanna say Say-bine. It’s all I wanna say.

…

A: The song we’re talking about is- I can’t remember who sings it.

C: It’s, like, a man’s name.

[Alix laughs]

C: No, but it’s like a really generic- It’s like… Richard… Stones. Or something like that. It’s just like a-

A: Okay, you fill in; I’ll check my Spotify and find who sings it. Because we should give some more recommended listening to our audience.

C: I reblogged it on the Tumblr.

A: Which will be about nine months ago by the time this podcast comes out? Okay, let me check my playlist entitled ‘Bastard Sea Shanties’.

C: Oh! I have one that’s ‘Homoerotic Pirates’. Can you share that with me?

A: Yep.

…

A: Oh fuck.

C: Anthrophagy.

A: Anthropophagy. Anthropophagy!

…

[Angle-grinding]

A: H, can you put the angle-grinder away? Between H and pigeon man… Oh dear. So, while we have some background noise… Carmella, would you ever eat a dead body?

C: I think you would have to be in the situation to know.

A: Ah, that’s a very candid response.

C: Uh, I don’t know. I- I don’t like pork, so…Um, it’s a difficult one. I don’t much like the thought of eating a dead body, and so in theory I would say no. But in a survival situation, that would probably go out the window. I don’t know.

A: I think I’m self-aware enough to know that I think I would eat a dead body in the situation that required it, but that it would also mess me up quite a bit.

C: Yep.

A: Like, I wouldn’t enjoy it. I know that to survive, you have to do it. And I’d do it. But I don’t think I’d be alright on the other side.

C: Yeah, I think it- There’s not really any coming back from it, is there? You’d sort of feel a bit shit about it forever probably.

…

A: And, you know, that exciting goal, the furthest north – that’s back on. You know, that’s an option.

C: On the cards.

A: Back on the cards. Thank you for knowing what I’m trying to say. ‘Cause I clearly don’t.

…

A: Threw across the raging river some paper wrapped in a stone. And for the first time in months, the survivors of Flight 751 could be heard.

C: Some paper wrapped in a stone?

A: Some- Yes! No. Paper wrapped round… What did I say?

C: You said some paper wrapped in a stone.

A: Yeah! Paper wrapped in a stone. Stone, and then paper round it.

C: Paper wrapped round a stone. Or a stone wrapped in paper.

A: They’re the same thing.

C: How do you wrap paper in a stone?

A: Don’t be difficult!

C: I’m sorry.

A: Okay. We’ll go again. You know, rock paper scissors?

C: Yes, I know the concept of paper and stone.

…

C: You don’t- You don’t know. You don’t know how this is gonna go.

…

C: Any attempts to try and achieve a furthest south in a minute- In a minute? Later in the time- Later on.

…

A: What do you think happens to Kislingbury?

C: Awww… I was gonna make a joke about how he had brie in his name, like cheese, but I don’t know-

A: I mean, I think it might be Kisling-berry, but-

C: Oh God.

A: I think that makes it worse. See, I’d say Kisling-brie. But then I can’t read.

C: Yeah, it’s like Canterbury or-

A: Yeah.

C: Kisling-brie?

A: Kisling-brie.

C: [In an American accent] Kislingbury. Kislingbury. It’s- Kisling-brie sounds more American.

A: [In an American accent] Kisling-brie. We are treating, of course, all of these people with the respect they deserve.

…

A: I am Uruguayan. We have been walking for ten- Oh, for fuck’s sake. Let’s try that with the right quote. God that was high-pitched. Okay.

…

C: So…

A: [Snorts] Do you want me just out of the room for this one?

C: It’s fine, it’s fine. We’re gonna have fun.

A: We’re gonna have so much.

…

A: Carmella, do you want to return to the frozic Ar-

[Both laugh]

C: Yes, I would love to return to the frozic Ar.

A: Frozic Ar. Okay. Oh dear. This is going well.

…

A: I think Medusa is still my favourite.

C: [Laughs] It’s just so batshit.

A: Oh dear. Well, this could be in- in the running.

C: Okay.

…

A: I have never heard of Sir John Franklin.

C: How do you know his first name?

A: He’s an middle-to-upper-class white man living in Victorian England. He’s called John, Henry, or James.

C: Yeah.

A: Possibly William.

C: Possibly William. Charles?

A: Montague.

C: Yep, we’ve got a few. We’ve got a few.

…

A: Frederick Kislingbury. Kislingbury.

C: Kislingbury!

A: Frederick Kris- Not Kris. Frederik Kislingbury.

C: Kislingbury.

A: It’s such a good name.

C: That is fun to say!

A: No it’s not! ‘Cause I have to say it a lot. And I have a lisp.

…

C: They come to a [with French pronunciation] glacier. A glacier?

A: Glacier.

C: I don’t know why I went with the French pronunciation.

A: This isn’t the Medusa!

…

A: I can’t believe that was the first message that he sent!

C: I know.

A: Well, this bit was fine. I mean, yes, but now everyone’s dead! Okay. There we go.

…

A: Still, it could have been worse. You could have been in the Arctic.

C: If I have to go out, cannibalism in the Arctic… You know. It’s the dream.

A: This is why people think we’re weird.

…

A: I’m just being… Like a sheep. ‘Cause you get both Australian and Yorkshire sheep. They’re both quite well known. It doesn’t make any sense.

C: Sheep have a national identity, right?

A: Welsh.

C: All sheep are Welsh at heart.

A: Yep, okay this has gone weird to begin with.

C: And it will get weirder, I’m sure.

…

C: Join us next time, for the st- Is Greely a person?

A: Yeah.

C: I’m sorry!

…

A: And despite strenuous objections from Greenly. He’s not called Greenly! He’s called Greely!

…

A: Like I say, I’m editing this one. I can say all this bullshit and cut it out. Oh God. Okay.

…

A: Their incredible journey.

[Angle-grinding begins]

A: Angle-grinder!

…

A: Well, I suppose most of them were found, weren’t they? Apart from, of course, Oates.

C: Yeah. He wa- He did have a food name! So…

A: Oh God. I love how every- Jesus. We have a lot of food names.

C: We do. Um. So there’s also-

A: You are what you eat.

…

C: We’ll do it in post.

A: The outro.

C: Do it in post.

A: Edit in post.

C: Edit in post.

A: We’ll edit in post; it’ll be fine.

…

A: Hartwell’s not fun!

C: No.

A: Hartwell’s depressing!

C: Hartwell’s not fun. That’s okay.

A: I mean, not that this- I mean, apart from the Medusa, it’s not exactly been cheerful.

C: We had so much fun with the Medusa.

A: We had so much fun with the Medusa.

C: Too much fun with the Medusa.

A: To be fair… They were all off their heads. So.

C: They were.

A: They were absolutely pissed.

…

A: Ugh, this tea is cold. It’s the worst thing that anyone’s ever consumed. Cold tea.

C: Oh no! Mine is as well! I forgot about it.

…

A: Exactly, that is the seamanly competence. She says, spitting all over her script.

…

A: We’ll put a map to the real Australia.

C: The real?

A: The real Antarctica. We’ll just put the real Antarctica in the show notes.

C: Just look on Google Earth, guys!

…

A: Any engagement improves our analytics.

C: Well actually the postcards don’t. If you could, like, Tweet it so it’s in a-

A: Yeah.

C: So we can create a metric surrounding it, that would be more useful.

A: @CastingLots, #CastingLotsPod.

C: Yeah, “@CastingLots you’re really disrespectful!! Stop making this podcast, you evil women!”

A: Especially because that’s not actually our Twitter handle.

[Both laugh]

C: Yeah, so you can Tweet whatever you like at those guys.

A: Oh dear. Okay.

…

A: Jesus, I deserve a medal.

C: I’m sure we’ll probably get a OBE or something for this podcast.

A: I should hope so. Services to cannibalism.

…

A: Okay, so.

C: Right, let’s, uh-

A: That was Casting Lots! Well done us!

[Applause]

A: Outro music, outro music.

C: Is there outro music, or is there something else?

A: No, I think it’s outro music.

C: Okay, and the outro music is just-

Both: “Outro music, outro music, outro music.”

[Outro Music – Daniel Wackett]

A: That fucking angle-grinder’s back!

…

A: Casting Lots Podcast can be found on Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr as @CastingLotsPod, and on Facebook as Casting Lots Podcast.

C: If you enjoyed this episode and want to hear more, don’t forget to subscribe to us on iTunes, Google Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts, and please rate, review and share to bring more people to the table.

A: Casting Lots: A Survival Cannibalism Podcast, is researched, written and recorded by Alix and Carmella, with post-production and editing also by Carmella and Alix. Art and logo design by Riley – @Tallestfriend on Twitter and Instagram – with audio and music by Daniel Wackett – Daniel Wackett on SoundCloud and @ds_wack on Twitter. Casting Lots is part of the Morbid Audio Podcast Network – search #MorbidAudio on Twitter – and the network’s music is provided by Mikaela Moody – mikaelamoody1 on Bandcamp.

[Morbid Audio Sting – Mikaela Moody]