Unparenting 101: Why You Should Think Twice Before Either Praising or Disciplining Your Children feat. Judy Arnall

Ba Vojdaan با وجدان

If you're praising your children, you're doing it wrong, says our guest on today's episode. Perhaps I've misinterpreted the message of our guest, Judy Arnall, who we recently heard on the show discussing her philosophy on unschooling.

But while we were discussing unschooling, I learned that Judy has written not THE book on parenting, but she's written a book on parenting. And it's a very good book. It's titled Discipline Without Distress, 135 Tools for Raising Caring Responsible Children Without Timeout, Spanking, Punishment, or Bribery .

It can be found at any major book retailer in physical or digital format, and I was fortunate enough to be able to have Judy again join me on a call and discuss some of the nuances of parenting, and why we should view ourselves more as tour guides to the yung'ins than disciplinarians.

Maybe unparenting is a more succinct way to put it.

In this episode, Judy discusses her unique approach to parenting. She emphasizes the importance of discipline over punishment, shares insights on avoiding praise addiction, and highlights the significance of fostering open communication and problem-solving skills in children.

Judy also articulates the benefits of non-punitive methods, proactive discipline, family meetings, and voluntary timeouts to build stronger, lifelong relationships with kids.

The conversation includes real-life examples and addresses parents' concerns about navigating a punitive society while encouraging a more empathetic and constructive parenting style.

In this interview with Judy Arnall, you'll discover:

02:09 Judy's Parenting Philosophy

04:16 Personal Parenting Experiences and Reflections

08:06 Why "punishment" as we understand it is ineffective

12:31 Encouragement vs. Praise

18:13 Understanding Discipline Over Punishment

24:01 Navigating Screen Time Boundaries

25:25 Collaborative Problem Solving

27:46 Realistic Expectations and Follow-Through

30:50 The Role of Rewards and Appreciation

35:57 Non-Punitive Parenting in a Punitive Society

39:22 Building Lifelong Relationships

41:27 Unique Parenting Tools

43:09 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Resources mentioned:

Discipline Without Distress, 135 Tools for Raising Caring Responsible Children Without Timeout, Spanking, Punishment, or Bribery by Judy Arnall

Judy's website

About the guest:

I will admit it. I’m a bit of a control freak. Actually, I need a lot of control, because I am “Type-A”, “Judgement,” “Gold color” or whatever those personality tests use to describe me. I need people to do things when I ask them to do it and I feel frustrated when they don’t listen to me. It’s often hard for me to remember that my partner and children are not trying to drive me crazy when they don’t listen to what I ask of them. It’s simply that my needs are just not on their radar for that moment.

Like many others who grew up in the 70’s, my parents used bribery and punishment to control their children. In spite of changing societal views on spanking, they did what their parents did and hung a wooden board in the kitchen called “The Board of Education.” We were regularly spanked as small children and as we got older, we were given “lines to write” in a type of home detention. We were also grounded, and had important outings and possessions taken away from us. I still remember the Halloween that I was grounded and watched my siblings eating their stash, while I had none.

Punishment...
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