Nightmare On 34th Street: A Xmas Grotesque podcast

41:05

When negative feedback shakes your confidence, it can be difficult to get back to feeling like yourself at work. In this episode, Anne and Frances help a struggling listener who has spent years toning herself down in the workplace after being told that she was too assertive — now, she feels that her modest approach is holding her back. Together, they use Anne and Frances’s “trust triangle” framework to explore how empathy, authenticity, and logic can help you rebuild confidence and trust with your colleagues, and share helpful confidence hacks for getting comfy with discomfort. What problems are you dealing with at work? Text or call 234-FIXABLE or email fixable@ted.com to be featured on the show. For the full text transcript, visit ted.com/podcasts/fixable-transcripts Want to help shape TED’s shows going forward? Fill out our survey ! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.…

Nightmare on 34th Street: A Xmas Grotesque explicit

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Koopman's department store is in trouble. Christmas is 12 days away, and they've lost their Santa. In desperation, they hire Ruprecht. Is he a kindly old man in seal furs? A deathless shaman? A demon? Or pagan god? The real Father Winter with an empty eye behind a patch that makes coal of sinners? The city is about to find out the hard way. Their only hopes for salvation: a brainwashed orphan, homicidal detective, and an inept revolutionary.

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Nightmare on 34th Street: A Xmas Grotesque explicit

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Part 5 (Epilogue) 10:12

34 weeks тому10:12

10:12

NIGHTMARE ON 34TH STREET: A XMAS GROTESQUE Words + Music by Geordie McElroy Epilogue *** Muffy Von Klump, Luz de la Cruz Lunched at Bistro Chez Bleu Where once the gang was a trio Now there were only two “There’s no decent reindeer anywhere” Luz sulked and dropped her fork Muffy sighed, “its out of fashion But you knew that of course” “Speaking of thing gone out of style What did you do with Beth?” “I wheeled her down to a group home She rolled on my last nerve left” Muffy asked, “How is Alfonso?” “I hear he’s doing grand Such a shame we needed his room That reno was unplanned” “Occasionally we get letters For reunion pleading us Frankly, they go straight to shredder Neediness is tedious” “Any new projects?” Muffy asked “I took a page from Portia” “Are you crazy? Committing fraud? Or dealing in orphans?” “Those are things that are just not done Nothing… inelegant I’m elevating charity Making it more relevant” “She was right about the justice system The whole thing is rotten Inmates linger in filthy cells By the world, forgotten” “So, I’ve committed to fix it To let dignity ring I’ve become a prison mentor With felon under my wing” “She reports to me her progress Gives run down of her chores Work beneath the righteous wives Reforming for her I’m sure” “Oh my, that sounds restorative Muffy bubbled with glee “Any chance you’ll meet with her soon Now that, I’d love to see” **** Inmates entered the visiting room Guards barked out commands Muffy and Luz sat by the glass Receivers in their hands Muffy’s eyes sparkled with delight Seeing Luz’s project Now this was a soul needing reform Looking ragged, unkempt Luz spoke into her receiver: “Have you been doing good? Are you staying out of trouble? Like a model inmate should?” Muffy produced Japanese fan “It’s awful hot in here What in god is that yeasty smell? It reeks of rotten beer” “Guards say you cell’s been messy Grub’s constipating you That jumpsuit fits like a trash bag What’s with those hideous shoes?” “Just think, in a decade you’re out After you’ve made amends This decor drab and depressing Are you making any friends?” “Time to say our affirmations Repeat them after me: I’m a felon worthy of love Self-respect, dignity” “Come, come now, please don’t be bashful Self-love its own reward I’d hate to have this non-compliance Brought before parole board” “Shame you can’t wear your wig in here There’s no need to hunch low Even if your wrinkles cracking And it seems you’ve lost your glow” “Adieu, until we meet next week Don’t let your cellmate extort you Muffy, it’s time to run, let’s go Say goodbye to Portia” *** Up in Koopman’s condo Noel sat by the fire Killer snuggled at the girl’s feet No home in town higher Swaddled in a cashmere sweater Sporting a wide brim hat Eating brownies, cookies, and sweets For once, putting on fat Orphan set her cocoa down And rung a tiny bell In wandered youngest Chloe “How can I help, Noel?” “There’s so much to do at the store It’s hard to make the rounds Give me a rundown of numbers Full department breakdown” *** Downstairs department store swarming The most shoppers in years Now that Noel was running things Old problems disappeared Chloe opened a folio And ran down the figures How each department was thriving Slowly growing bigger “Roxanne making a splash in hosiery Penny killing dinning Suzy doing wonders with make-up I’m thinking of resigning” “Aren’t you happy?” asked Noel “Of course,” answered Chloe “Everything is running so smoothly The store doesn’t need me” “Even Harriet’s faring well Heading security No one wants to mess with her now Power for all to see” “Street Rats run our loss prevention Been weeks without a thief They know every trick in the book Zero chance for a cheat” “Good thing they’re finally showered” Chloe said with a grimace “Their B.O. had its own zip code Perfume has its limits” “What’s next?” Chloe asked Noel “Tattoos with Dolores?” “I’m going to meet an old friend Need to hit the florist” *** Dunn was at the cemetery Formal police attire He laid flowers down on the ground Where wife and child retired "Howdy, Sergeant!” Came a greeting He turned to see Noel Carrying bunches of roses Daises, tulips as well “Whoa there! Ms. Fancy,” he told her “We get that you’re wealthy You didn’t need to bring so much Two bouquets is plenty” “Relax, guy, they’re not all for you These for your child and wife Others are going to some one To whom I owe my life” “Did you discover your mother? Able to find her name?” Noel shook her head, shed a tear “I’m sorry, that’s a shame” “I’m going to place them on the grave Of the unknown orphan Just as easy could have been me Had I other fortunes” “Speaking of good luck, how’s it feel? To go from rags to riches?” “It came with the price of my dad… …Anyone know where Nick is?” “We searched the banya and the North Pole Through marshes, sloughs fishing We rounded all the Gulag Gang But Nick among the missing It seems he just up and vanished Crept through hole in time ripped” “This is not the first time my dad Gave authorities the slip” “But look at all the money I got This grand inheritance Nick had assets all over town Shame it came with his parenting” “Who knows? Maybe he’s in Cairo Or monastery climbed to Perhaps the Amazon basin He maybe right behind you” “It’s hard to disappear these days Everything’s connected If he pops his head above water I’m sure we’ll detect it” “Sure!” Noel laughed with a shudder Under parasol shade She failed to notice the groundskeeper A teen with eyes of jade *** Steve Koopman was at the helm His ship on wild sea Sold Noel the store, penthouse floors For once, completely free In his favorite Hawaiian shirt Through the weather bracing Mercedes sea sick and freezing Mounting problems facing She tried to cut a new diss track But there was no wi-fi She demanded the sea be quiet Steve said: “I’ll give a try” Overboard lost her mobile phone Wave drenched through fast fashion Soaked to the bone, so far from home With imagination lacking “This life is unacceptable Now turn this ship around Take me back to the big city Just take me back to town” Mr. Koopman comforted her “This this is our home now We’ll go where fair winds blow Through unknown waves we’ll plow” “Well I don’t want to be rootless Or some high sea rover This is just your mid-life crisis How soon will it all be over?” Just then Pearl appeared on deck “Do you come with a dimmer? You’re spoiling our honeymoon Mercedes, please, simmer” “You can’t tell me to relax, Pearl You’re not my mother” “No. She’s got five to ten in the pen I’m sure that you still love her” Then her father intervened “Mercedes, please be calm You’ve got to learn some self-control Listen to your step-mom” “I hate you! I hate you!” She barked Mercedes stormed below But only to fight nausea From hull that rocked and rolled Pearl wrapped arms around Steve Koopman Pondered unwanted freight Time would come to dump Mercedes To jettison dead weight Steve Koopman sighed and told her This view reminds him of Izzy “I wonder if he’d like this tour Or if he misses me..” *** High in the Andes, a problem Llama, alpaca missing The herders struck by revelation Creature nightly visiting Reports in Quechua blast out Of beast wrapped up in fur A massive thing with spots of black No puma, they were sure Trackers found prints in the snow Was it hoof? Or were they boot? Judging from their depth folks figured Four hundred pounds… a brute Elders told tale of times gone by Only on coldest years When evil enters hearts of men An ice demon creeps near Ruprecht they called him long ago Justice kept him busy This moonless Christmas he’s returned But now they call him: Izzy *** THE END ***…

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Part 3 34:38

35 weeks тому34:38

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NIGHTMARE ON 34TH STREET: A XMAS GROTESQUE Words + Music by Geordie McElroy Part 3 Secret Santa’s crossed off the list Drug dealers, arsonists, thieves Necrophiliacs and mountebanks Cops excised disease Bodies found in alleyways Sedan trunks by the docks Arcades, bars, overpriced condos In a playground sandbox Some with bullets between the eyes Some had jugulars ripped Some injected with tree frog venom Some dumped in ditches, stripped Bodies piled high down at the morgue As the winter weather cooled Coroner ruled them accidents Homicide had all fooled *** Portia lunched with Muffy and Luz “What a story to tell Here’s my latest acquisition Ladies, behold Noel” “Isn’t she the waif you booted?” “Yes, indeed, she’s the thief Caught her in my charity globe I gave the orphan relief” “We welcomed her into our home Hope she comes to trust us This is what charity truly is: Restorative justice” “The criminal system is a mess Trust me, group homes broken So, I adopted this delinquent You just took in tokens” “Mercedes, please take our Noel To sit on Ruprecht’s lap Sure she love to tell him about Dodging criminal wrap” *** Mercedes paraded casting Elbows and aspersions To anyone blocking her way Departments transversing Noel followed at the girl’s heels Into Christmas village They cut the line and found Ruprecht Koopman’s family privilege “Excuse me, sir,” Noel piped up “They say your name’s Ruprecht But I’ve been watching you closely Suspect that’s incorrect” “Is your true name really St. Nick? You seem to be the source Of all those legends about him I could be wrong, of course” “Someone has been using your name Your reputation’s heft To drain the youth from orphan girls Until there’s nothing left” Ruprecht stared at the young orphan And asked: “Are you the one?” But then their rendezvous cut short In walked Lt. Dunn He flashed his badge, approached Ruprecht The line drew to a halt “Last night, what were your whereabouts? Do you know Jacques Perrault?” Noel spotted the flashing shield She turned, in terror ran Was this the goon from the North Pole? The man who took Roxanne? Portia stopped the inquisition “What’s the meaning of this? You’re ruining Christmas business I insist that you desist” “Unless you have a warrant here Exit the way you came” Dunn locked eyes with Portia Koopman His Secret Santa name “I’m here to find our what happened To your head of HR You know we found him dead last night In furthest reaches of the park?” “Yes, I know, it’s something shameful Doubt that he deserved it But I had a keen suspicion Perault was a pervert” *** Koopman’s penthouse above the store Chic duplex high-rise A monumental Douglas fir Their Christmas tree, turquoise Objects d’art, antiques for days Unreads by the yard on oak shelves Walls covered with portraits of Portia Commissioned by herself “I’ve always wanted a sister” Mercedes told Noel “I’m so glad we get to save you Poverty looks like hell” “I love your hair, those bouncy curls Are you Puerto Rican?” “I don’t know, I’m from the North Pole St. Nick, I need to see him” “St. Nick? No, that guy is Ruprecht He’s just some bum we pay You’ll get a chance to talk to him At Christmas Eve soiree” “Who would have guessed? We’re the same size” Mercedes tore through clothes Closet bigger than the lighthouse They put on fashion show They played dressed up and did their hair The whole east wing take-over Burlap sack, a thing of the past Noel got full make-over *** Izzy carried belonging out Boxes filled elevator “You’re replacing me with Noel? She’s straight trash, I hate her” Portia taunted raging step-son: “This is a chance to grow We need your room for the new girl You’ll be happy with Flo” “Won’t Mercedes need her nanny?” Izzy, furious, asked Portia sighed: “Not since she was ten Flo tends to your ass” Portia heading to west wing screamed: Bring Killer to the pound! That bitch has gone and wrecked my home If not, I’ll put her down “No!” Mercedes cried from kitchen As Killer wheezed down cheese “I want to keep the pup up here To replace Sniffles, please” Steve Koopman sighed, relented: “You can keep her, of course” Despite the damage hellhounds do Still cheaper than a horse Killer saddled up to Noel Canine licked the girl’s hand As she scratched dog’s belly below Obeyed orphan’s commands Noel asked where I’ll be sleeping “Repose in Killers crate” A dog cage was better than her cell “Boy! Well that just sounds great" Mercedes said: “I’m just joshing You’ll sleep in Izzy’s room This city will toughen you up You’ll lose your softness soon” *** Izzy at Flo's dinner table Her whole family around “No idea you had a husband Or three children in town” “Where did you think I was going When I left your penthouse?” Izzy shrugged, “Maybe Trinidad Or somewhere way down south” Izzy gobbled down salt cod Roti, aloo pie and pelau Flo asked: “will you be staying long?” “Until I figure it out” “I need to convince my family That orphan Noel stinks She’s a criminal mastermind Despite what they all think” “I can’t believe they took my suite And gave it to that waif I detained her stealing from us Somehow it’s my mistake?” Izzy crushed his second portion Grabbed fistful of jamoon Said: “If anybody needs me I’ll be in my new room” *** Noel cuddled up with Killer Late in Izzy’s quarters The shelves full of well-worn books Burdened being smarter The walls full of mounted degrees A dazzling CV He studied film, conceptual art And musicology If he were so well educated Why did he live at home? What was the purpose of knowledge If it keeps you alone? Why did the Koopman’s adopt her At the expense of their son? Was this how rich people live life? Was this just how it’s done? *** Izzy sat on the lower bunk In Flo’s younger sons room And stared at Noel’s old matchbook Cold jealousy consumed He read: North Pole Gentleman’s Club And then chortled: “Losers Only a fool goes to strip clubs Simple self-abusers” Izzy flipped open the match book And found a bloody print Over a list of people’s names And one caused him to squint A knock on the door started him Izzy lashed out, fuming “But you’re in my room” Flo’s son said The name: Portia Koopman *** Noel walked through penthouse west wing Hallway lined with mirrors Countless reflections distorted Thousand Portia’s appeared The matron whispered to Noel “What was it that you saw When you were inside that snow globe? Hate to bring in the law” How could Noel know the answer? Why did she take her in? Why did this stranger fake charity? “I didn’t see a thing” "Well, that’s a descent response Just keep it to yourself If anyone ask about it The best answer is stealth” Noel perplexed, didn’t comprehend What Portia was about This lady seemed so rich and proud But soon began to doubt *** The screen glow illuminating Izzy’s frantic research Exploring matchbook’s name list And soon the flood gates burst Every name on the log deceased All mysterious deaths Each one was ruled accidental Portia, the last one left Micah Wohl, electrocuted Jim Gunn, hit and run Timothy Barth shot 16 times Tom Hawkes flambeed by sun? All of these deaths were homicide Izzy sure deduced Assassin covering their tracks As hit list got reduced Who could be the supervillain? That ragged waif Noel? Who’s were these bloody prints on book? Forensic test might tell *** Izzy and Steve’s met in the park Dad assured son: “All is well The situation temporary But Portia, let’s not tell” Izzy huffed: “Unbelievable The orphan is a butcher I found proof of Noel’s wicked ways And yet, in, you took her” “Take a look at this old matchbook I found in her burlap Everyone listed on docket Is taking a dirt nap” “Getting caught her plan all along To infiltrate our home It’s only a matter of time Before true colors show” “The only name not yet muted Only breathing human Someone quite near and dear to you Your wife: Portia Koopman” Steve eyed the matchbook: “Have you been in my stuff?” “What? No! I found it on the orphan Tucked up in burlap cuff” Steve sighed, put his hand on Izzy: “You’re not cut out to guard What you really want is justice But execution’s hard” “I think I may have failed you son Why don’t we give a try To see all of life’s finer things Luxuries money buys” **** Steve and son at athletic club To conquer racquetball Izzy spent, sweating in corner Greasing court where he sprawled Then they tripped to the tailor To fit for suits bespoke Clothier saw Izzy’s waist size Assumed it was a joke Sallied to the art galleries Culture’s worth remind him “What?!? This sculpture mode late, third rate” The artist right behind him Then to midtown for theatre To catch a musical show Izzy appalled by song and dance Acting, sets, and those clothes! After the show, a hotel bar “One virgin colada… No? I’ll take a Shirley temple Fine… I prefer Ramada” “You need to learn to drink scotch, son The beverage of power” Izzy got whirlwind nauseous Barfing in the flowers Then to three star restaurant Clever, delicate plates Nothing could satisfy the boy He barely felt he ate Their final stop was Koopman’s yacht Too bad weather freezing With Izzy’s claustrophobia Voyage far from pleasing The marina was full of rats Docked yet Izzy nauseous Bundled in children’s life jacket The boy was extra cautious His mother died on the water Parasail line snapped She got tangled up in the ropes And then the sharks attacked Steve Koopman finally realized His plan for Izzy failed “Do I even care for money? Or burden it entails?” “Wouldn’t I be much happier Out upon the water Without the store,uPortia, paramour And pop crooner daughter” *** “We’re going to the studio” Mercedes told Noel “Didn’t know you were a singer” “With my style? Can’t you tell?” “Creatives must make music It’s instinct, not a choice You’d probably hear me singing more I need to save my voice” “Here’s a track from my producer Soon when my vocals spark it We’re riding a loophole right into The Canadian market” “His name is Serj, he’s from Moosejaw I met him at the rink He deejays cosmic skating night I’ll sing it now I think” Mercedes grabbed her cellular And left Serj a voice mail Through wi-fi call, her caterwaul Lacked melody, feel, detail “That’s it,” Mercedes said, “We’re done Tomorrow morning its dropping We’ll just let Serj work his magic touch Now it’s time for shopping” "But first you need to clean my room Take Killer for a walk Do my laundry, fold my clothes And this time pair my socks” “Isn’t it great being sisters? I almost want to sing Gonna need to straighten your hair Now on, curls are my thing” *** Izzy in…

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Part 4 33:11

35 weeks тому33:11

33:11

NIGHTMARE ON 34TH STREET: A XMAS GROTESQUE Words + Music by Geordie McElroy Part Four In a parking lot, Dunn waited Desperate, fleeing gallows In the backseat of a federal fleet Obscured among shadows When agent Jones entered her car Dunn made himself known “Please, this whole things is a setup Couldn’t reach out by phone” Dunn produced the North Pole matchbook The burden that he lugged Who could these markings belong to These fingerprints in blood "How did you know where to find me?” “I know what your routine is” "I need your help to search this thumb No way it’s Joe Martinez” *** Jones and Dunn worked in underground lab Federal agent convinced Needed to find the owner of These bloody fingerprints The system ran a billion thumbs To try to make a match With a ding as it landed on A perfect pair at last “It’s just like you said,” Jones showed him “These prints are Joe Martinez” “But he’s been dead 13 years Any explanation for this?” “Let’s check Martinez’s first arrest In analogue era If system hits another print We can pin-point error” Jones pulled up Martinez’s file From 1993 There was a different ink thumb For anyone to see “What happens if we run this one? It might land on our Joe But if its a sloppy hacking job The culprit’s one may show” Jones ran the print from ’93 “I think that there’s a glitch” A face and name appeared on screen "Not sure how this was missed” “His name is Kolya Kalmykov With deep alias list Nicky Green Eyes, Ochi Nefrit Others call him: St. Nick” “13 years ago he vanished Gave Interpol the slip How did he and Joe Martinez Get their fingerprints flipped?” Agent showed a grainy photo From years and year long past A man with topknot, golden teeth And dangling mustache “I know I’ve seen that face somewhere Doppelgänger for Kohl But that man can’t be our sergeant He’s decades way too old” “Could Kalmykov be Kohl’s father? Fingerprints passed to son?” “No, every set is unique That’s just not how its done” “If these prints belong to Kolya Could be a lighting trick Or perhaps plastic surgery But your sergeant is St. Nick” *** Kohl and Noel entered banya Obscured in clouds of steam The holy warmth wrapped around them Surpassing North Pole dreams “Are these hot tubs your key to youth?" Noel asked the Sergeant “No I’ve got a potion stronger Kept in far compartment” He said: “It’s one part reindeer fat And glandular secretions a touch of Volga black magic Plus one secret ingredient” He led her into deepest room Through hot fog distortions “Here’s the key to the whole process: Essential oil of orphan” Within she saw apparatus A distillation vat Tubes and pipes and metal kettles Lost girls boiled in back “Roxanne, Roxanne are you okay?” Kohl said: “She can’t hear you They’re nearly drained of every drop You see they’ve lost their dew” Noel saw countless graduates Of St. Nick’s Home for Girls Strapped into the sauna machine Obscured in hot rock swirls Their eyes were glazed, their mouths open Drool dribbled on their chins “These are of no use to me now Each one is a has-been” “It’s you I need my fresh Noel Let me bask in your glow Wouldn’t you like to warm in here Or freeze out in the snow?” “Why do you treat us so awful?” Noel asked the Sergeant “Suffering key to E.O.O. Orphan tear enlargement” “You want to drain my tears?” she said “No, you misunderstand You’re the one I’ve been searching for Come here now, take my hand” Sergeant told Noel: “I need you As much as you need me An eternity forever I’m the sand; you, the sea” “For 13 long years I’ve watched you Never seen your equal I figured out eternal life Co-star in my sequel” “Never!” Screamed Noel. And she turned Made a break for the door But the exit was obstructed By huge birch waving masseurs “What a shame,” said Sergeant Kohl “You could rule by my side But you had to seal your own fate Time to suck your tears dry” *** Izzy awoke is custody Chained in clandestine cell A shining light blinded the boy His slacks soiled as well A voice emerged from the Shadows “You thought you’d have a look What did you think of the North Pole? And where is our matchbook?” “I’m not telling you anything” Izzy exclaimed: “Fascist! You’re cowards with greater numbers You hide behind your badges” “There’s someone you need to speak with He can help with this matter He’s a hypnosis pioneer” Into the light, stepped Dr. Adler The doctor purred to Izzy “Follow this piece of Jade Listen to the sound of my voice Let’s penetrate that brain” Izzy tracking the moving jewel Time, defenses melting “Why did you come to the North Pole Club?" Adler asked the gelding “I hate stepmom, Portia Koopman Saw her name on hit list But as much as I want her gone There’s no justice in this” “Everything has been horrible Since my dad remarried I can’t stop putting on weight And it’s embarrassing” “I look ridiculous dressed up Casual I’m a bum I can’t attract anybody I don’t know how it’s done” “I haven’t fit in anywhere Since my real mother died I think I’ve become this messed up Seeking some place to hide” “When my mother was alive Everything was easy Good was good, and evil evil Now everything deceiving” “I can’t tell the difference Between right and wrong If doing right gets you nothing And foulness brings throngs” “Good things should happen to good people And the wicked punished All I want is simplicity All I want is justice” Dr. Adler leaned in closely Whispered in Izzy’s ear: “Do you know what you have to do? The answer is spring-fed clear” “This year you get what you desire Finally, your justice The time has come to kill Portia And all is healed, trust us” *** Noel strapped in oil extractor Dial cranked to the max The sweat started to pour on her brow The heat started to tax The orphan began to fade out And soon she lost her glow As drop by drop the vat was filled With precious E.O.O. “My best girl, you could have joined me We could have ruled together What’s the point of eternal life If I’m alone forever?” “I’ll never be like you she said Chasm between us far” Sergeant said: “I don’t think that’s so Know who your parents are?” Before he answered the question With poison tongue pollute From deepest depths of the banya A melody on flute “Guards!” The sergeant shouted to masseurs “Which one is on patrol?” But none of his men responded Sentries turned to coal From clouds of steam a man emerged With seal furs and a patch There stood the figure Knecht Ruprecht Who snapped the orphan’s straps Kohl locked eyes with hermit crab ghoul From frozen depths of hell Ruprecht softly addressed sergeant “I’ve come here for Noel” Kohl chastised the fur clad figure “Some other orphan bother This one right here is spoken for I am Noel’s father” “What?!?” screamed Noel. “Impossible No way that I’m your seed” Just then Kohl made recognition Old memories he seized “You?” Said Kohl, with terror mounting “I’ve seen you once before But that was lifetimes ago On Volga’s eastern shore” “Indeed you did,” answered Ruprecht “You were just a foal” Then he lifted up his eye patch The Sergeant turned to coal *** Noel and Ruprecht stood atop Skyscraper made of glass The highest point in low down town Above fetid morass Winter whipped, and the north wind blew The coldest place on earth “Why have you brought me here?” she asked “To hand out just deserts” “What can you see before you now? A city without a soul Rotten folks have exploited you So now they’ll turn to coal” Noel stared down at the city Peering over the edge Ruprecht said: “Come follow me girl It’s time we get revenge” *** Channel 13 weatherman said: “It’s record breaking cold Upon this moonless Christmas Eve Hope you’re all safe at home” “Remember kids: Santa’s coming So please, leave a snack out..” The signal cut along with the lights A citywide blackout *** Flashlight combing Koopman’s wreckage Steve’s text on secret phone: “SOS! Can’t talk right now, babe Sorry, I’m not alone” “You need to get down here right now I don’t care if you’re busy This isn’t about you and me This is about Izzy” *** Through oceans of black Steve speeding Past the marsh, dead man’s cove Along abandoned cannery row To North Pole club he drove His headlights flashed the darkened lot He found Pearl waiting “What’s the matter with the boy now? Was he… masturbating?” “No. But when he saw me he freaked He got beat up by elves Then carted away by the cops I saw it all myself” “So does Izzy know about us? Did any info leak? Does he know of our secret love? I thought we were discreet” “We need to go find him,” Steve said “He might be in a cell That’s no way to spend Christmas Eve Honestly sounds like hell” *** Stoll and Wargo kicked down the door Entered Dunn’s apartment Guns and flashlights swept the hallway Said: “Police department” Wargo eyed the place with pity “Look how this slob’s living Stains, filth, and countless cans I almost feel forgiving” “This is the haunt of a creature” Stoll uttered in disgust “That trees been dead some 13 years Look at all of this dust” “Obviously, Dunn has gone crazy Through Adler’s bewitchery Let’s do this and get on home Put him out of his misery” In the back they heard a shower Traced it to the bathroom Opened door triggered booby trap Twin shotguns went KABOOM *** Witching hour on 34th Dunn stalked in the shadows Disguised in ragged Santa suit Crept to Portia’s rat hole He came upon broken displays And shattered charity glass Dunn slipped into the grave quiet store Through scenes of chaos passed Dunn caught a murmur in the depths Low and steady chanting Silently he closed in on sound Footsteps softly planting He stepped on a piece of broken glass Invocation silenced Dunn’s advantage given away Spine tensed up for violence A voice called to him from darkness Hello, Lt. Dunn Flashlight spotted Portia Koopman On Santa’s throne she slung “You knew I was coming," asked Dunn? “Isn’t it obvious? You should have finished me sooner I blame your sloppiness” “I’m not here to kill you,” said Dunn “I came here in warning St. Nick has found out where you are He wants you dead by morning” “St. Nick? I thought you were the bank That Volga goon is a clown I taught him everything he knows No way he takes me down” Dunn drew up his silent pistol Eyes locked without a blink “Who sent you on this fool’s errand? Tell me it wasn’t Nick” “What do you mean?” Dunn asked Portia “You know about the list?” “He and I are old friends, you know Didn’t expect this twist?” “We’ve been in business for many years Koopman’s is his bankroll He gets ingredients I need And for that I’m thankful” "Could you fathom growing old? Losing your looks, your grace? E.O.O. does wonders for glow It tightens up the face” “This town doesn’t have time for age You know it likes them fresh You can’t turn back the mortal clock But try and...…

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Part 1 32:37

35 weeks тому32:37

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NIGHTMARE ON 34TH STREET: A XMAS GROTESQUE Words + Music by Geordie McElroy *** Part 1 What is the color of Christmas? The white of untouched snow? The green of a Douglas Fir Or ceaseless mistletoe? Could it be the red of stockings? Or yule-log’s golden breath? No. The color of Christmas is black Black of a moonless winter's night The black of coal in the abyss The black of death *** Koopman’s Department Store presents: The 12 Days of Christmas Grand Parade to city conveyed This season big business Announcer from Channel Thirteen Mic picked up howling wind Nor’easter of the century From Greenland rolling in Each float branded to perfection Each with a sponsored theme Franzenstein gingerbread houses Toscani nativity scenes They rolled along 34th street Up to Koopman’s revolving door Where Steve and his wife Portia throned King and Queen of the store A masterpiece of art nouveau Engulfing block, tower Dazzling retail cathedral Where hard won coin showered The windows full of season’s displays Gorgeous crystalline glass Each winter fantasies Available for cash Announcer spoke up: “Here she comes It’s Mercedes Koopman Steve and Portia’s only daughter With her vocal debut” The pre-teen rode high on a float Promoting her own brand Hawking neon fast fashion And song without a band Just as Mercedes started up Before her vocals dropped Announcer said: “Wait… here comes Santa Claus? And he’s coming in hot” Santa revved red convertible Madness flashed in his eyes He aimed full speed for Koopman’s store Mercedes forced to dive The crash destroyed the singer’s float As Santa stripped his clothes Revealing a Satan suit beneath To the crowd he exposed Something from out of his waistband From crotch depth fustiness He waved it around and yodeled: “The hammer of justice!” With hardware Santa Claus screaming: “You bourgeois pigs must die This one goes out to you, my Pearl” Blue-haired girl averted eyes He raised the groin-secreted tool Shattered Koopman’s displays Screamed about theory of labor And radical cliches Christian protestors turned their backs So-called allies turned tail Couldn’t even rally the winos Alone, his riot failed Just then, behind them, explosion Mercedes float caught fire Her fast fashion went up in flames Sizzling cheap attire And yet, her vocals still running Spinning like an axle rod Santa screaming: “Revolution!” Wrangled by cattle prod The nor’easter winds blew wicked Toppling cameras smashed As cops hauled off Santa Claus Video cut to black *** In dungeon cell at lighthouse foot The darkest part of town Orphan Noel’s dead-hour vigil As beam spun round and round Thirteen years through bars and barbed wire St. Nick's School's stagnant view The dump, trash barges, and canneries But tonight… Something new? Out in black harbor, an unmanned ship Lurched on storm from the north It rammed into rotting pilings Impaled itself on wharf Figure in seal furs rowed life raft Into a shadowed drain Where the refuse of the city spewed The gaping sewer main *** Noel sang her hopes of Christmas Gnawing wait made her sick She longed to be at the North Pole Re-connect with St. Nick The 25th was her birthday Only 12 days away When she would graduate from here Head home on reindeer sleigh As long as she could remember Noel pursued one goal: To be the best in the stable To work and do as told Her dream, making St. Nick shine To bask in his glow cast on her She was willing to die for him Her lord and her master Dozing orphans surrounded Noel Chained to cots in the dark Noel kept warm in the bitter stone cell Hope providing the spark Youngest Chloe’s teeth chattering "The Pole is much colder" Noel said, giving up blanket "You'll see when you're older" “St. Nick needs help on the line Toil bitter, burlap thin He has no time to tend to you Your fire must burn within” Their conversation echoed out Waking up Harriet For Chancellor Remmy she screamed With hate and despair in it Remmy entered, pince-nez and coif Paisley smoking jacket Even at this witching hour Simply immaculate “Now, now, girls you need your rest So please, let’s squash it We need you all to look your best St. Nick’s always watching” Remmy gestured to the cell wall Icon of a Cossack “St. Nick knows if you’re sleeping sound If you comply or talk back” The painting showed a savage man Dropping stash, fangs of gold Shaved head with topknot hanging down And jade eyes, tundra cold With hushed purring of a camera The Cossack’s gaze feeding Remmy said as he was leaving Above orphans breathing “Try as you might, he may flunk you Dolores never slacked But Nick found her in the lantern room Now she’s buried out back” *** Lt. Dunn arrived at the wharf Screamed at harbor patrol Snuffed his smoke into their coffee And ganked their donut holes “Tow this vessel across state lines Out of our jurisdiction” “I know the plan, I've done it before It's stuck in this position” “A rotten way to start the day” Dunn slugged rum for warming “Colder than a boo hag’s coochie What’s what? Inform me” “She's an ex-Soviet vessel Rusted and putrid green Cyrillic writing down her flank ‘North Star’ it seems it means” “The crew is nowhere to be found Captain’s chained to the wheel He’s burned beyond recognition As to how, it’s not clear” “There’s no hint of gasoline Or any accelerant” “Terrorism? Bio-attack?” Something malevolent?” They led Dunn to the cargo hold And stared into darkness Bone upon bone way down below Countless beast carcasses Flashlight flickered, pyramids stacked As Dunn asked, “Is that horse?” “Caribou. The other red meat” Corpse upon reindeer corpse *** At 4am the orphans woke To storm bell clattering And gathered round for daily routine In burlap sacks unflattering Noel set her course on Polaris And worked with diligence The only thing more impressive Was Harriet’s vigilance Noel strove to be the best St. Nick’s number one girl So Harriet hated her guts Her face and all those curls The laziest orphan at the school Harriet, 13, too St. Nick had room for one top girl Noel just would not do Revenge filled Harriet’s day dreams Slights real and imagined Waited for Noel to slip up Spite, her only passion Remmy spoke of North Pole visions As girls ate cold fish gruel He sipped champagne and lectured on Manners of the old school Dabbed his mustache with a napkin Gave diatribes on forks His knife work was spectacular His banter fireworks Taught what plate to anticipate Which spoon they must use Which bad habits would start to grate Which cocktail glass to choose “Soon you’ll dine on gum drop biscuits And ginger bread porridge Candy cane juice, sugar plum pies North Pole’s standard forage” Remmy’s lusted for finer things Crates pilled high filled his room Beamed up luxuries with deceit On rocks ships met their doom Stack upon stack contraband piles Stores of delicacies Seized from ship wrecks he salvaged The false beams legacies *** After breakfast, orphan hygiene Freezing water stung them Single basin for all to share One toothbrush among them Post washing came cell inspection Tidy up cots and dress Burlap sacks, straw mats worn threadbare Hard not to look a mess Then Remmy would walk down the line “Grace starts with how you stand" Examined smiles, clothes, and posture But focused on their hands “Those hands, those tiny orphan hands Innocent and fragile The engine of this operation So nimble and agile” *** Then it was time to work the line Presses, pumps, and bellows The orphans making ornaments In reds, greens, and yellows “Watch your tiny hands, my dears” Engines, belts, and sprockets “Once the machine is up to speed There’s no way to stop it” An ornament caught Noel’s eye Made to adorn a tree “If they look magnificent there How good they’d look on me” She hung a pair upon her ears And searched her reflection She struck a pose amongst some hose Flashing bold impression But Harriet caught her off guard Too stealthy to be seen Her rival tried to get revenge Hand ground in the machine But Noel smelled Harriet’s breath Turned into crooked smile A shove had her tumble on down Ornaments defiled Remmy screamed: “Noel, to the pit! Think you can replace this? You’ll have ample of time to think on Your place and what grace is” *** Noel stewed in the chamber of woe With cold stone for a pillow Thinking hard with damp and rot Pondered peccadillos Noel seethed and plotted revenge A thought would not abate Something she never felt before A coldness known as hate *** Back in Koopman’s duplex penthouse The family stared aghast Replaying Parade fiasco A couple hours past “Isidore Koopman, you fat slob!” Portia shouted at her step-son “You always ruin everything A whole year’s work, undone” Izzy squeezed into a love seat Admiring his work The shiftless 32 year old Responded with a smirk: “Christmas is bunk, a hollow lie A mere capitalist fraud Consciousness needed to be raised I employed shock and awe” “Koopman’s is a family affair That’s why we hired you Now the union is furious What could have inspired you?” “What do you mean you don’t know? Everything confessed to I laid it out elegantly Didn’t you read my manifesto?” “Do you mean that pile of scrap paper? Those crayon scribblings?” Flo the nanny said: “I read it Not very convincing” “You are nothing but a buffoon You spoiled my parade Befouled your sisters vocal debut Shattered peerless displays” “See those children down there below They’re waiting for Santa Each one represents cold hard cash Please, tell us your plan to…” “…Find a replacement for the man This late in the season The union is blackballing us Hiring you, treason” Portia departed with a sigh Leaving father and son “I’ll never give up on you, boy There's still work to be done” “So, tell me what’s next? What’s your plan? You know I can’t fire you What job is best for your passions Tell me what inspires you” “Izzy, what is it that you want?” Steve asked his first-born son “The only thing I crave: justice Easier said than done” “Koopman's is a family operation Even if things get hard How much damage could you get into As security guard?” *** Dunn arrived at the coroner Gleaning information “What the hell happened to captain? Make identification?” “His name is Ivan Tankenov See this skull cross tattoo Russian gangster? Or Thieves in law? I'll bet cash that’s his crew” “But the man wasn't set abalze No ash or loss of mass” The captain's arm fell to the floor “…Well nothing accept for that” “If he were...…

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Part 2 29:58

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