Ep34 - A Unicorn For Christmas (2021) "Discover the magic of Christmas" "Mom is getting frustrated at the lack of kombucha sales but Dad reassures her if they can get a petting zoo off the ground and they can get a kombucha stand off the ground. But I'm not exactly sure how they think they got a petting zoo off the ground because it's been exactly …

Ep 33 - "ThanksKilling" 2008 "Gobble, Gobble, Mother F*cker" " . . . So the jock decides to meet up with the gang at the Rednecks house minus the hoe to commiserate and have a beer cuz that makes more sense than calling the police or trying to stop the turkey or quit acting. The hoe however is at her house with random dude and … I’ll spare you the …

Ep 32 - The Curse of Halloween Jack - 2018 "He's back for those who killed him" " . . . One year later, the Sheriff of Nottingham’s daughter is making his bangers and mash or spotted dick or whatever English people eat for breakfast … Oh wait, it's probably an English breakfast. When he gets a call that the victim's brother off'd himself at the sit…

Ep 31 - Spirit Halloween (The Movie) - 2022 "Possessing theaters this fall." ". . . The boys hide inside the props of the store and wait to be locked inside at closing time. The seasonal Spirit Halloween store is well organized and fully stocked, with never-opened costume packaging … on Halloween night, instead of looking like a store that has been…

Ep 30 - Retrograde (2004) "In the past... Lies our future" "Dolphy is being sent two hundred years in the past to prevent space bacteria from being unfrozen in Antarctica. Hey, wait a minute that’s this year. I’m sure that’s just a co-winky dink. It’s fine. It’ll be fine. With him is about a half dozen other people who are genetically superior, don…

Ep 29 - Cross (2011) "To stop an ancient evil, it's going to take big guns, hard sticks, and exploding balls." " ... So as any good police officer would do he yells at her and waves in her face until she wakes up, which works, even though we’ve already established she slept through a needle being put in her arm. She is understandably confused and a…

Episode 28 - The Crawling Hand (1963) Astronaut Ordered Blown Up!!! "They frolic on the beach, and when he talks about marriage, she tries to run away, so he flings her around before tackling her, It’s supposed to be romantic I think. But she falls face down looking at a dismembered and not yet crawling hand and forearm, or at least it appears to b…

Ep27 - Future Kick (1991) "A personal quest for vengeance, a high tech race for survival" ... The head henchman goes rogue and kills his boss the corrupt police chief, and we’re into the final action sequence where our cyborg and the grieving widow take turns chasing and running from the head henchman and the second in command. Like all action sequ…

Butt Boy (2019) "Sometimes the only way out... is in..." " ... Our real hero however now finds himself inside Chip’s butt, a set that looks a lot like a random cave from an alien planet on Star Trek the next generation, but a lot more … fecal. Which is exactly how I always pictured the inside of my butthole. He quickly finds the missing child, the …

Day of the Warrior (1996) "The L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies Are Back!" "... There’s a great deal of this movie is spent moving from place to place. Whether it be by car, boat, plane, rollerblading, or even by foot no distance is too far to travel to exchange two lines of dialogue and then move on to the next location. At one point someone drives a jeep in a…

Getting Lucky (1989) "Middlevale High has Cheerleaders, Jocks, Nerds ... and a Leprechaun!" "Turns out Lucky is pretty shitty at his wish-granting. Bill wishes for a date with Chrissy, which he gets and takes her to the drive-in. But Chrissy decides to bone the other dude in the back seat on her way to the bathroom and Bill then again interrupts th…

Win A Date With Tad Hamilton (2004) "In every love story, there's only room for one leading man." " ... So hot chick decides to enter said content and raise the $100 entry fee, with the help of her wacky friend. In a matter of 15 seconds, without even the aid of a video montage, she's achieved her goal. This mildly annoys Eric, but he doesn't say w…

Horror At Party Beach (1964) "WEIRD! Ghoulish atomic beasts who live off human blood!" "... Do you ever find it annoying in musicals when dance numbers break out and everyone suddenly knows all the moves? Well, that’s not a problem in this movie, because the party beachgoers only kind of know the movies, and are in no way in sync with each other. I…

Trail Of The Screaming Forehead (2007) Who Can Sleep With Brows On The Prowl? "... Tonight’s Film Fart is “Trail of the Screaming Forehead” from 2007. Filmed in craniovision. And unlike some other cinematic cesspools I’ve reviewed here, this movie has faces you might recognize, like that guy who played the evil TV station owner in the Weird Al movi…

Robot Monster (1953) "Moon Monsters Launch Attack Against Earth!" " ... A young boy and a girl are playing outside at what appears to be the Mayberry Rock quarry. The boy shoots his toy laser pistol at the girl and her doll. They run around and stumble onto two scientists who are removing random rocks from the wall of the mouth of a cave so they ca…

Doll Shark (2022) "Warning: Dying Hazard" There are two well-known tropes in the world of Horror Movies. The killer shark and the haunted doll. But what if, and hear me out now, we combine these two into one movie? I present the sh*tty cinema known as “Doll Shark” from 2022. The movie opens with a dude-bro with a sharp stick, standing on a poorly r…

Nude on the Moon (1961) "Man discovers a nature camp on the moon!" Odds are you’ve never of the 1961 movie “Nude on the Moon,” but if its name sounds familiar that’s because in 2002 the name was borrowed by the B-52’s for their double-disc CD anthology. Where this movie starts to go off the rails is when the scientists are ready to do their cosmic …

Carne: The Taco Maker (2013) The 2013 film “Carne: The Taco Maker” is the story of Don Taco and the delicious tacos he makes. Don Taco sells his delicious tacos via street cart on the streets of Beverly Hills, California. It's a bit of a local institution, and while everyone loves his delicious tacos, it’s said that the taste varies from person to …

Beaster Day: Here Comes Peter Cottonhell! (2014) You haven't a hop in hell! There is no explanation for this bald-faced, snaggled-toothed giant rabbit; it just shows up on the doorstep like an Amazon Prime subscribe and save purchase. Our protagonist is a bitter second-place runner-up for dog catcher of the year. This is the saddest excuse for a ri…

Cowboys vs. Dinosaurs (2015) "Let the Best Species Win" The movie is set in present-day Montana, so unfortunately, the titular Cowboys are the modern-day rodeo type and not the Wild West type. This is disappointing, but not as disappointing as if it were the starting lineup of this year's Dallas Cowboys. The movie opens with a mining company blowin…

Invasion Of The Bee Girls - 1973 "They'll love the very life out of your body!" We cut to a pastoral grassy countryside with rolling hills when a naked dude pops up behind the hill. Before I could even ask, “What da fuq?” a very naked woman on a dirty dirt bike rolls on up. They embrace and roll around the grass long enough to create a crop circle.…

I Was a Teenage Wereskunk (2016) “It will scare the smell out of you.” Who’d have thunk he’d be a teenage wereskunk? This is the question the theme song asks, and the answer is absolutely nobody. Absolutely no one in this movie passes for a teenager either, like … not even close. The film is set in the 1950s, and I think some of these actors were a…

Breakin' 2 : Electric Boogaloo - 1984 "If you can't beat the system...break it!" In the first "Breakin’" movie, they rocked down to Electric Avenue. In "Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo," they will take it even higher. The 1984 movie "Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo" has the rare honor of being a movie that is only famous for its name. This is a shame be…

Monster Brawl (2011) "It's the fight of the living dead!" As a rule, a movie’s quality drops by 20% for every professional wrestler in the cast. The obvious exceptions are Andre the Giant in "Princess Bride," Hulk Hogan in "Rocky III," and Governor Jessie 'The Body' Ventura in "Predator." But with this rule in mind, this movie has a 100% drop in qu…

National Treasure - 2004 "In order to break the code, one man will have to break all the rules." The movie is “Ernest Saves the DaVinci Code,” but not quite that smart. Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town,…

Hercules Reborn - 2014 "A Fallen Hero Rises Again" Starring John Hannigan, aka John Morrison aka Johnny Nitro, aka Johnny Mundo, aka Johnny Impact, aka Johnny TV, aka Johnny Caballero, aka Johnny Blaze, aka Johnny Elite, aka Johnny Fusion, aka Johnny Hardy, aka Johnny Spade, aka Johnny Superstar, aka Johnny Jacob Jingle Himmer Schmitt Send us a tex…

Tammy and the T-Rex (1994) "He's The Coolest Pet In Town!" Starring Denise Richards and Paul Walker Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Al…

Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies (2012) "He emancipated the slaves... he saved the Union... and slaughtered the undead!" Tonight’s moronic movie is Abraham Lincoln Vs Zombies from the Asylum. That's actually the studio name, the asylum, not where they live … I don’t think. So the movie starts with an event left out of the history books, as momma Lincoln…

Chatterbox (1977) "She talks with her what?" Tonight's Film Flop is the 1977 film “Chatterbox.” To summarize the plot of this movie in a manner that's podcast-friendly... It's about a woman who discovers one day that her box can chatter. When she says, “Read my lips” it really is a multiple-choice question. Her Va-jay-jay has a lot to say-say. Anyw…

Trump vs. The Illuminati (2020) "The ultimate battle." Tonight’s CGI cinematic stinker is “Trump vs the Illuminati.” The year is 3024, and the earth was destroyed 1000 years ago when Donald Trump started a nuclear war. The last survivor of the human race lives on Mars, and he’s a Chinese-made exact clone of Donald Trump, except he’s immortal and ha…

Attack Of The Lederhosen Zombies (2016) "The hills are alive with the sound of bloodshed." Tonight's movie is “Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies.” The basic premise of this movie is that the Nazi Zombie thing has been overdone, so we’re going to set it in Austria and replace the Nazi uniforms with the most humorous of all the pants, liderhosen. The …

Sharks of the Corn (2021) "You're gonna get stalked!" Tonight's film flop is Stephen Kang's Sharks of the Corn. Yes, you heard me right. Kang, K-A-N-G. Now, you may be expecting a children of the corn knockoff, but with sharks instead, and honestly, that would have made a lot more sense. Then movie opens with a woman trying to seduce the local Kent…

Spooks Run Wild (1941) For tonight's shitty cinema, I originally chose Spooks Run Wild. When I began to watch this movie and realized it was in black and white, I remembered there's the Cowardly Lion's useage of the word "spooks," and there's the War of Northern Aggression. To be honest, I wasn't brave enough to find out which one it is. Send us a …

Ninja Cheerleaders (2008) "This Summer's Destination For Fun" Tonight’s Sh*tty Cinema is “Ninja Cheerleaders.” They’re high school cheerleaders by day, go-go dancers by night, and ninjas … by dusk, I guess. The movie opens with one of the girls talking to her 60-year-old male teacher, but he’s clearly at a loss for words because he thinks she’s hot…