A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.""You must be in IT", says the balloonist."I am" replies the man. "How …

A Mexican magician tells the audience that he will disappear on the count of three. He says "uno... dos..." *poof*. And he disappears without a traceMatt McClain

There are four passengers on a plane: A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Texan, and a Mexican. The pilot gets on the radio and says that there is a problem with the plane, and three people need to get off in order for the plane to not crash. He says there are no parachutes. The four passengers sit quietly, looking at one another, and soon the Frenchman …

Thanks to http://unijokes.com/An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on …

One morning Tom calls his boss and says "Good morning, boss. Unfortunately, I feel terrible today. I got a headache and stomach ache, so I'm going to take a sick day, if that's alright."His boss replies: "You know Tom, I really need you to come in today. So, I'll tell you, when I feel like this I go to my wife, and I ask her for some sexy time. Tha…

Thanks http://www.bluedonut.com/jokes.htmThree guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here!"…

Thanks to Don SteinbergOn a Saturday morning, three boys come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. Their mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat."I'll have some fuckin' French toast," outraged at his crude language. She hits him and sends him upstairs.When she calms down, she asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I…

Thanks to Neel Burton.In the middle of the night, Holmes nudges Watson awake, and says, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.""I see millions of stars, my dear Holmes.""And what do you infer from these stars?""Well, a number of things," he says, lighting his pipe:Astronomically, I observe that there are millions of galaxies and bill…

Thanks to http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/saints/labor_day.htmIn the week before Labor Day, Eli, a poor country farmer won $480,000 in the Lottery. As a treat he took his wife and their four children to see the Labor Day parade in New York City.They booked into the Sheraton International at the corner of Park Circle and Central Park North. Having n…

Thanks to Neel Burton"Doctor," said the receptionist, "there's a patient here who thinks he's invisible.""Well, tell him I can't see him right now."Matt McClain

Thanks to Neel Burton.A Zen student goes to a temple and asks how long it will take him to gain enlightenment if he joins the temple."Enlightenment can be achieved here in ten years," says the Zen master."Well, how about if I really work and double my effort?" The student asks. And the Zen master responds "Ah, then you may achieve enlightenment in …

Thanks to http://www.greatcleanjokes.com/78/funny-story-2/An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day, so when he reached his hotel in Florida he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her email address,…

Thanks to https://www.wattpad.com/6059636-prison-jokesterA young man is sentenced to fifteen years in prison. The warden takes an immediate liking to him and puts him in a cell with a kindly old timer so that he can be shown the ropes and not get himself into too much trouble.So the oldtimer teachs the youngster the rules of the prison, whatto do, …

What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon? TennishI don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a girl who would get angry if she heard me say that.Last night me and my girlfriend watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.What did the pirate say when he tu…

Thanks to netfunny.comOnce upon a time there was a farmer whose wife had died and left him withthree beautiful teenage daughters. Every weekend, when they went out on dates, the farmer would stand at the door with his shotgun, making it clear to their dates he wanted no trouble from them.One Saturday night, there was a knock on the door. He answere…

These two elderly couples are hanging out one evening having a lovely time when one of the men starts raving about this fantastic restaurant he and his wife went to the other night. So the other man asks “Really? What was it called? He thinks for a second then says, “What's the name of that flower that smells so good?” “What, a rose?" so he says, “…

Thanks to http://www.greatcleanjokes.com/A man died and went before St. Peter who said, “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad, so we’re not really sure what to do with you. Please give us something to work with here, anything , Enlighten us…

Two nuns are ordered by their Mother Superior to paint a room in the convent, but not to get a drop of paint on their habits. So the nuns decide to lock the door of the room, remove their habits, and paint in the nude.After a while theres a knock at the door. "Who is it?""Blind man," The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide what harm can …

With thanks to Keegan-Michael Key (aka Kee-Mi-Key). A guy is dragging another guy home who's like "it's going to be fine... just tell my wife........aghahghahghgha", so he's drunk and the guy is dragging him and he's dragging him and he's dragging him and he gets him home, lays him on the porch and rings the doorbell "bing bong". the guy's wife com…

A little old lady walks into the a bank with a bag full of money and insists that she must speak with the president of the bank.She tells the bank president that she has accumulated several hundred thousand dollars over the years and would like to open a trust in the bank.The president is curious, so he asks her, "Where did you get all this money?"…

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for anumber of years when he came home one day to confess to his wifethat he had a terrible compulsion. He had this urge to stick hispenis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he shouldsee a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'dbe too embarrassed. He vowed…

Little Benny, the polar bear, went to his dad one day and said "Dad, am I really a polar bear?" and his dad said "Well, yes of course, I'm a polar bear and your mom is a polar bear, so you are a polar bear."So, little Benny went to his mom and said "Mom, am I really a polar bear?" and his mom said "Well yes, of course sweetheart, I'm a poloar bear …

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Capta…

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, fortunately little Johnny, who was sitting behind her, took a pen and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the …

One night as a bartender is closing up his bar, he hears a knock at the back door. When he opens the door, there is a bum who asks, "Can I have a toothpick please?"The bartender gives him a toothpick and continues cleaning up his bar.Five minutes later, he hears another knock at the door. Again, there stands another bum who asks, "Can I have a toot…

A ventriloquist had just finished his polack joke routine when a huge, drunk polack comes up and says, ''I'm sick of your polack jokes and I'm going to knock the shit out of you.'' The ventriloquist replies ''I'm sorry, it was all in good fun." To which the polack responded, ''I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the little asshole on your kne…

A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them. "What'syour name?" she asks the first. To her surprise, the dog answers "Myname's Huey. I'm having a great day! I've been going in and out of puddles all day." She goes up to the second dog and asks "What's your name?" The dog replies "Myname's Duey and I'm also having a great day goin…

There are two cannibals that are sitting around the fire enjoying a clown that had the misfortune of stumbling in the camp earlier that day. When one of them look to the other and said "Does this taste funny to you?"Matt McClain

Four monks were meditating in a monastery when, all of a sudden, the prayer flag on the roof started flapping.The youngest monk came out of his meditation and said, "Flag is flapping."The second, more experienced monk said, "Wind is flapping." The third monk, who had been there for more than twenty years, said, "Mind is flapping." The fourth monk, …

Two lawyers arrive at a pub and order a couple of drinks at the bar. Then they each open up their briefcases, take out sandwiches and begin to eat them. The pub owner, unhappy with this situation, approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!' The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.…

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'…

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"God said yes.The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"God said yes.The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"God said, "Sure, just a second." —Mark DeBoltMatt McClain

(Explicit)A woman walks into an ice cream parlor and tells the guy behind the counter, "I'd like a gallon of chocolate ice cream, please."The counter man says, "I'm sorry but we just ran out of chocolate ice cream, can I interest you in another flavor?She says, "In that case, I'll have half a gallon of chocolate ice cream.""Ma'am, I'm sorry but I j…

With thanks to Ahmet Kasan-So, a man is climbing up a mountain when he slips and falls, and as he is is tumbling down, he fortunately catches hold of a small branch.As he is hanging there he doesn’t know what to do so he resorts to hollering up, "Help! Is there anybody up there?"A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:"I will help you, my son, bu…

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter greets them by saying, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, so it's not log before the first woman accidentally steps o…

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But…

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Damn, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey."…

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tutti Homini" - Meaning, Blessed be Mankind.A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day and told him that they noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind. The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini" …

A female business executive is late for a meeting and is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40. A cop pulls her over and says, "Ma'am, can I please see your license?"She replies, "Sorry officer, but it got revoked two years ago for drunk driving."He furrows his brow and asks, "Well in that case can I see the registration and insurance fo…

Confucius say: Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all dayAlso say: He who let woman on top is screwing up.Confucius say: Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!Confucius say: Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.Confucius say: Fly which rests on toilet seat gets pissed off. Confucius say: If you turn an oriental around, he become…

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are seated side-by-side at a bar. Each has a mug of beer in front of him.Simultaneously, three flies land in the beers, one in each mug.The Englishman looks at his beer, pushes it away and asks the bartender for a new one. The Scotsman reaches his fingers into the beer, picks up the fly, throws it to the f…

There's this married couple and its their 25th anniversary. they got 3 sons and on their anniversary the 3 sons gave them each presents. the first son He gave them a cadillac. He's doing good. Second son give his Mom in a mink coat. third son He sent home a $10,000 parakeet that could speak 9 languages, about 3 days later the third son comes home a…