SYPM 019: Why are you always so angry?

Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

One day Iris took her daughter to the park, with enough snacks with for both of them. When Iris got hungry, she asked her daughter to share some of the food - but her daughter refused. Iris knows that hunger is a factor that dramatically narrows her Window of Tolerance and makes it more likely that she’ll snap at her child’s behavior, so she asked again for food and again her daughter refused. Then out of nowhere a crow swooped down and tried to steal some of the food, causing the whole lot to fall on the ground - and Iris exploded. She was so angry that she felt a hot energy coming from her gut, and her daughter is standing in the park with tears flooding down her face, because Iris yelled at her. And then, of course, the guilt and shame spiral begins: “What am I doing? Why am I so angry? And why can’t I stop?” Now, Iris is in a very different place. She’s not perfect, of course - none of us are. But even Iris, the raised-Catholic-and-prone-to-unworthiness-and-guilt-tripping specialist, has found a different path. She no longer has to convince herself that she’s worthy of having her needs met - she knows she is, and she holds her own needs with equal care as her daughter’s needs. Because her needs are met on a regular basis, she’s able to respond to her daughter’s age-appropriate difficult behavior with compassion and empathy. And because she’s able to do this most of the time, she doesn’t need to get into the guilt and shame spiral nearly as often. (And on the few occasions when it does still happen, she knows how to treat herself with compassion as well, instead of beating herself up for screwing up.) Do you want to make this kind of shift in your own life? Do you often feel triggered by your child’s behavior? My Taming Your Triggers workshop, which has helped thousands of parents to not just remember a new script for the difficult moments, but to truly take on a new way of being in their relationships with their children - just like Iris has done. Join the waitlist to be notified when doors reopen.

[accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"] Jen Lumanlan 00:02 Hi, I'm Jen and I host the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. We all want our children to lead fulfilling lives. But it can be so Jessica 00:11 Do you get tired of hearing the same old intros to podcast episodes? Me too. Hi, I'm not Jen. I'm Jessica, and I'm in Burlesque Panama. Jen has just created a new way for listeners to record the introductions to podcast episodes, and I got to test it out. There's no other resource out there quite like Your Parenting Mojo, which doesn't just tell you about the latest scientific research on parenting and child development. It puts it in context for you as well. So, you can decide whether and how to use this new information. If you'd like to get new episodes in your inbox, along with a free infographic on 13 reasons your child isn't listening to you what to do about each one. Sign up at YourParentingMojo.com/subscribe, and come over to our free Facebook group to continue the conversation about this episode. You can also thank Jen for this episode by donating to keep the podcast ad free by going to the page for this or any other episode on YourParentingMojo.com. If you'd like to start a conversation with someone about this episode or know someone who would find it useful, please forward it to them. Over time, you're gonna get sick of hearing me read this intro as well. So come and record on yourself. You can read from a script she's provided or have some real fun with it and write your own. Just go to YourParentingMojo.com and click Read the Intro and I can't wait to hear yours. Jen Lumanlan 01:33 Hello, and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. We're here with a very special guest today parent Iris. Iris, I wonder if you wouldn't mind telling us just a little bit about you and your family. Where are you in the world? Where are you from? Iris 01:43 Yeah, I live in the west coast of Canada in the city of Vancouver with my husband and my almost seven-year-old daughter, Malaya. And Malaya is feisty and funny, and she's just this energetic bunny. Oh, she's human, but not the rabbit. But you know, she is like an energizer bunny just going on and on and on. And I work in a field where not many people want to talk about it, or maybe even think about it. And that is in the field of death and dying. And so, I guess most parents are familiar with childbirth educator or birth doula. And so I like to think of it not my work not as an opposite, but as the other part of life. So, I support people who are grieving and, you know, practical and heart-centered planning. So it's from wills and advanced care directives to like, you know, how would you like to be cared for after you die, and rituals and ceremonies and things like that. I'm an end-of-life educator and end-of-life doula. And one important thing, I immigrated to Canada from the Philippines in 2005. And in the summer of that year, I met a man that became my husband. And in the beginning, I was sort of sitting on the fence, I'm going to have a child, my husband already had a daughter from a previous marriage, but he was asking me, okay, if you want the child like, you know, you decide I'm okay either way. And at first, I was like, oh, you know, like, you know, this philosophical and existential, kind of like, back and forth. And so, I was trying to get pregnant and I knew I wanted a child when it was clear that I probably wouldn't get pregnant, like, you know, I mean, I was having a hard time getting pregnant. And so after six years; six years of fertility treatment and roller coaster of emotions at the ripe age of 41. I gave birth to Malaya. And by this time, I've had a meaningful and successful work life. And so in positions of like, big responsibility, and I was like, “Motherhood. Oh, I’ll be okay. I've done these things.” And like, “Motherhood. It's just I can do this, huh” Famous last words. Jen Lumanlan 04:23 Yeah, and of course, there's the added challenge of when you've worked so hard to have a baby and then to have these moments where you just want to ring that child's neck. It's like, how can these two things go together? So yeah, I'm sure that we'll talk about that in a minute. But the reason that I wanted to talk with you is because you've just finished the most recent round of the taming your triggers workshop, and this was not your first time. And I first realized that you have taken it multiple times when I think you were on your third time around, and I think you'd barely looked in the community the first couple of times and so I didn't really know that you were there. And then when I saw your name coming through again, on the participant list, my first thought was this massive hot flush of shame because I was just thinking, why do people have to come back and do this multiple times? If I was a good teacher? Shouldn't I be able to transfer this knowledge to you and send you out the door and to live your life. And so there was this real moment of fear and shame when I first saw that you were taking the workshop multiple times. And so, I wonder, can you tell us a little bit about how this has played out for you what this process has been like for you as you've navigated your journey with having triggers with your very spirited daughter? Iris 05:45 Yeah. So first off, Jen, I like to say sorry, for your shame or something. Jen Lumanlan 05:51 Apology accepted. Iris 05:54 And you're right, the first two times I was just lurking around the community. And I will talk more about that, when I decided to come out as a repeater of the taming your trigger workshop, it was because I wanted you and the others to know that I truly, truly believe in the workshop that you have designed. And by this time, I've also followed you not in a stalker creepy way, but I followed your podcast for quite a while. And so I knew that I needed this, that I knew that I was one of those in your advertisement if you are this and that, and oh, my goodness, I checked all the lists. And so I knew that there was no doubt in my mind that it was going to be transformative for me, that's why I kept on joining. The third and the fourth time, I'd say to people, I've done this several times, I'm not ashamed to say that I'm not proud either. It's just it is what it is. So your question about how the journey taking the taming your trigger workshop multiple times. Before I answer that question, I want to give a little bit of context, first off a context of my life so that people will have more understanding. I grew up in an urban poor neighborhood in the Philippines, people did not really have enough material things, and we relied on each other for material or personal support. And so for example, you'd go like, oh, I need to prepare dinner, but then oh, we don't have rice, because rice is very important. And then my mother will just say, okay, go next door and ask our neighbor to just borrow a kilo of rice, and then we will replace it later. So yeah, no problem with that, or for example, a neighbor would say, oh, I need to go to the market. But I need somebody to keep an eye on my children and there's no problem because it's okay, we can supervise, we can look after them. They're mostly independent. And so there was really a strong sense of community and like people really in birth or death and all such life situations in between, there's really that community, you know, your neighbors got your back or your extended family got your back. So I did not know I was poor, like, I was just like, like, you know, like, I was just being a kid. It was when I went to school that I realize, oh, other people have other situations. And you see my mother work as a dressmaker in a private Catholic very upscale school and the tuition fee there was like, there's no way we could afford the tuition fee. But because she was working there and employee, that's one of their privileges or benefits, I guess. I was there. And my classmates were like, because this is all girls school; daughters of congressmen or politicians, and then you know, like their businesses, they own restaurants and all those things. And I was the dressmaker’s daughter, which was fine because many of my classmates knew her and even called her “Nanay, which means mother. I call my mother Nanay, they would also call her. And so I felt that I was liked, you know, except for the rich, poor thing. I was like, I had friends, and I did not feel quite deprived in that area, but I can see that now. They have their nice shoes, whereas my shoes are like, my toe would be showing. I had good grades, and I was active in extracurricular activities. So my life here in Canada, of course, is like, very, very different from my life there, of course, Malaya, likely not experienced that life of sense of scarcity and economic insecurity, and so that is one of my trigger, you know, like, all those things. And so I've always said since I moved here, there were, of course, a lot of things that I really enjoyed and everything, but I felt the absence of my community and I felt the loss of my very wide support system. And I felt this very acutely after I gave birth. So it wasn't a surprise to me when my doctor said, Iris, you have postpartum depression. And I sort of knew it beforehand because I've been having low-grade depression since I came here, and like, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know, to know that. So I joined a lot of support groups for new moms, and I was in individual counseling, and that's one good thing about being here in Canada, there's like, social support system as well. For a long time, I was really resisting taking medication. I know in some areas; this is all hush-hush when it comes to mental health and medication, I just want to lay it all out on the table. And for a long time, I resisted getting medication because I saw it as a sign of weakness and you know, I was like, oh, I was a school guidance counselor so I knew these things and mental health, blah, blah, blah. And I started a nonprofit organization. And I was, I can do this. Of course, motherhood is a totally different ballgame. Jen Lumanlan 11:22 Yeah, it totally is. Yeah. Was there a specific incident that caused you to say, I need more help than I'm getting right now? I need to do something differently than what I'm doing right now. Iris 11:34 Yeah, for sure. So actually, two instances. First, when Malaya was about three years old, we were in the park and I usually pack food, like, you know, snacks and things like that. I was hungry. And that's one of my factors. I was hungry and she was at the stage, Jen, were like, you ask her for something, and she’s like, “No, I won't give you,” and I kept on asking because I was really hungry, and she really wouldn't give me. And I packed for both of us, by the way, and then a crow swooped in and got into the container. I don't know if it's grapes or nuts; all of those things spilled out on the ground. And I was just so so angry! I feel this hot thing coming out from my gut here and Malaya started crying because she felt that energy, and I felt very guilty about that. I was like, “Oh my God, what am I doing?” And yet, I also recognized that there was something so primal in being denied; in “being denied” for food. I wasn't rational at all. And then the other instance, was when out of the blue Malaya asked me, “Mama, why are you always angry?” And the way she asked was really significant to me because she asked out of curiosity. It wasn't there was no judgment. She just like wanted to understand and concern in her voice, like, “Why is this?” And so I'm all for being open and vulnerable and showing all facets of myself to my daughter. But I just had this instinctive feeling that it's not good for a child to be always looking at her parents who are supposed to take care of her. And always like, erupting like a volcano every hour or something. So that's when I need more help than the medication, I need more help than counseling, I need more help than all these things I'm doing for myself to help me. Jen Lumanlan 13:40 Yeah. Okay. And so you've been through this. And we have actually lost track, or I have at least lost track, I am uncertain if we are on round number four and number five at this point. But what I'm wondering is, if a person is listening to this, they can say, “Well, I don't want to have to go through this thing four or five times to actually do something different!” So what would you say to somebody who's thinking that okay, yes, I see myself exploiting sometimes as well or maybe I'm not an exploding kind of person, I'm a freeze up kind of person, or a walk away kind of person, or fawn, and just get the crying and the screaming, just stop kind of person. if I'm seeing myself having these reactions to my child's behavior, I'm thinking, but I don't want to have to do the same thing four or five times to do something different. What would you say to somebody who's in that position right now? Iris 14:23 The first two times when I was lurking, I can tell you exactly what I was doing, even if I sort of petered out. So, I was really spending a lot of time identifying my triggers, and seeing what are the factors that caused me to erupt. The main thing that I was really working on in the first module, I think Jen was the window of tolerance, and how to increase our window of tolerance. And I know that like being hungry, being tired, being sleep deprived—those are the factors that narrow my window of tolerance. So the second time I did the course again, I made sure that I have support something like cooking a big batch of food, so that I don't have to be like, oh my god like to cook and again and again and again every day. And then also, I scheduled more sessions with my therapist. I just made sure I said no to other time commitments or other things that get my attention. And called my friends and say, “Can you please call me when you don't see me?” Like, can you say, “Oh, are we going for a walk or something?” So those things, I like to think of my four or five times in the workshop, as I like to imagine myself as like a horse trainer. And the process of taming my own trigger is the wild doors. And so the first few times were just about me getting into the saddle. And just like, holding on. And just, of course, right now, I'm not the star in the rodeo, or however you call that, I think I am staying in the saddle long enough to enjoy the ride. That was it. And then every time I register again, I learn more and more, and I cover more and more modules. And one thing that really was quite helpful to me was when you reorganize the modules, it's the things that help us with our triggers, and not just like, analyzing hollered triggers. And this last time, there was a call and I had my food ready and all this other support, and it was just this kind of fruit salad, all these things that really kept me sitting on the saddle long enough to spend time with my wild horse of triggers. Jen Lumanlan 16:51 Oh, wow. That's amazing. Thank you so much for sharing that I love the metaphor. And yeah, I just want to sort of translate a couple of things that you said, for folks who are newer to this, what I'm hearing from you is that I've added to the content over the times that I've done it but it hasn't changed dramatically, or firstly organized at logically. Having all these logical skills, thinking this is the way people need to hear it. First of all, you need to understand where your triggers coming from and then once you understand that you can learn what to do about them. But of course, what we found is that in the actual experience of this, they want more time with the tools, they need more practice with the tools, and they don't want to spend five weeks wallowing around and why do I feel so crappy, so much of the time before they start learning those tools. So yeah, we started alternating the module content so that we take a module where we're understanding what's the cause of our triggers, or trigger feelings, and then we start learning a new tool, and then the next week revert to another dig a bit deeper on where's this coming from? Okay, now, let's bring in another aspect of...