Are you often too giving? - The art of balancing the giving and receiving of love

The Relationship Maze

Do you frequently feel that you are the only person around who is constantly giving? Do you struggle with actually taking in compliments when they are given to you? Or do you find yourself feeling overwhelmed when there is too much attention coming your way?In today's episode we discuss the importance of giving and and receiving love in a balanced way.We look at the complexities around giving: often the need to constantly give can be driven by an underlying issue with low self worth or a number of anxieties. Often there is also a correlation between giving a lot and not being able to fully receive other people's attention and care. Conversely, you may find yourself struggling with giving your partner or other people close to you the attention that they desire from you. You may also find too much attention overwhelming.

Do you often find yourself in a relationship where you feel that you are the one who is constantly making all the effort? There are usually underlying reasons for finding yourself in this position. These reasons may be related to

• an insecure, anxious-preoccupied attachment style
• a 'Please others' driver
• low self esteem
• anxiety about losing friends or a partner

Frequently, when finding yourself giving too much to others, you take up the position of the victim in the relationship with others and make others the perpetrator.
Conversely, do you find that you struggle to be very giving? Do you tend to be more withholding in relationships?
The underlying reasons for your behaviour may be related to

• an insecure, avoidant-dismissive attachment style
• feeling overwhelmed when there is too much attention and focus on you
• anxiety about becoming trapped in a relationship

There are many facets to giving and receiving love. The underlying reasons for giving too much/too little or receiving too much/too little tend to go back to earlier experiences that we had, either in childhood or in our subsequent adult relationships.
In today's episode we look at some of the possible scenarios that you may frequently find yourself in.
In Transactional Analysis we talk about drivers, ways in which we learned to behave to feel ok. If your driver is to 'Please others' (please see also our related podcasts Being a People Pleaser and 'I'm ok, you're ok' - the foundation of healthy relationships) you are likely to have a life script that tells you that you need to always be nice to other people and do your best, otherwise others may abandon you. You are therefore likely to overcompensate by doing and giving all you can to make sure that the other person will still be there for you. At the core there is an underlying concern that you are not really lovable enough and therefore need to work extra hard at relationships.
If you learned repeatedly, usually starting in childhood, that no matter how hard you try you won't get the attention that you desire, you may have given up on having any expectation that the love that you give will be received. You may therefore not try quite as hard anymore and you may also be quite cautious when another person is showing you a lot of attention of love.
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