Co-dependency Malaise

Mental Health Training

Co-dependency Malaise

Robert Burney once coined the term “co-dependent” in the 1940s and defined it as someone who depends on another person to meet their emotional needs. Co-dependency is putting somebody else’s needs before your own. Thereby, being co-dependent is hardly the same thing as simply being dependent. A co-dependent person may feel responsible for the happiness or well-being of others — especially if they have experienced abuse or neglect growing up. This term was widely used in the 1950s in the context of Alcoholics Anonymous, and Co-dependency is often found in alcoholic families.

The word co-dependent was originally employed as synonymous with the earlier term enabler. As it was broadly defined, within Alcoholics Anonymous that assisted problem drinkers were then hidden by enablers that made excuses for them by minimizing or denying the many repercussions of their dysfunctional behaviour to maintain the family secret. The enabler or co-dependant supported—or at least enabled but tolerated their behaviour

Since then, it has been applied not only to addictions in general but well beyond that to other types of mental health and behavioural problems, including domestic violence and emotional abuse.

Just to clarify, Co-dependent means “dependent upon another person who has a power imbalance in the relationship.” It describes someone who relies too heavily on others to meet their needs. People with co-dependency problems tend to focus on what they need from others rather than on what others need.

They often feel responsible for making sure everyone else is happy and satisfied, which leads to feelings of guilt and self-doubt. In this way, the underlying issue with co-dependency isn’t really that you care too much, but rather, that you don't care enough by losing sight of your own values and desires.

While your relationship is based upon love and feeling responsible for them, it is unhealthy when your individuality is dependent upon someone else. They then sacrifice themselves to make sure their significant other is happy by maintaining an unhealthy relationship. It goes without saying that it is nice knowing you’re being supportive, and it feels positive knowing you’re contributing to someone else’s success and happiness. Unfortunately, you can lose sight of your own values, responsibilities, needs and desires by adopting the role of a caretaker.

A key question to ask in any relationship are you concerned with your companion’s development (“altruism”), as well as decreased respect for oneself (“selflessness”). Every relationship will have an element of sacrifice, and your willingness to sacrifice for your relationship shows that you care for your partner. A partner who feels loved and cared for is more likely to reciprocate with loving-kindness towards you in building a healthy relationship. In healthy partnerships, altruism is a two-way street. Consequently, individuals who are prepared emotionally to make sacrifices for others are often regarded as victims or altruistic

Co-dependency in a relationship usually occurs when one of the partners has a personality disorder, you might find yourself stuck in a toxic relationship.

There is often an attraction between individuals with co-dependent inclinations and those with narcissistic tendencies. Narcissists, with their ability to get others to “buy into their vision” and help them make it a reality, seek and attract partners who will put others’ needs before their own.

In this case, the prey tends to be people-pleasers, thriving on helping others (or even thinking they may ‘fix’ them). The target might fulfil their need to be needed—and thus valued by another. When caring for another person stops you from meeting your own needs, or if your self-worth depends on being needed, you may be heading down the co-dependency. Learn more